Title: Condition (1/1) Author: RM >lbontger@wmcstations.com< Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully belong to CC, 1013, and Fox. No fringe is intended. Does CC or anyone over there, *ever* read these things anyway? Summary: POST-KITSUNEGARI::::::::US5 SPOILERS THIS IS NOT MSR_____IT IS FRIENDSHIP.......I PROMISE. ~~~~~~~~~~ "I grieve in my condition, for I cannot find the words to say 'I need you so.'" --Sarah McLachlan, "I Love You" ~~~~~~~~~~ Condition ~~~~~~~~~~ It's different being out here, outside Skinner's office, rather than inside where your partner is getting crucified for something he was the only one to even understand. I am waiting for him to come out of there. I know he will be depressed, forsaken, wishing for nothing but relief from the pain being piled up in him. I don't think he's going to want to see me at all. But I've got to be strong, got to show him that nothing he does hurts me. That the whole thing was saved, was kept from crashing and burning by only his own stubborness, his willingness to *not* believe. Or rather, to believe only me. He did not pull the trigger; he listened to me when it was most critical. Amd he didn't listen to me when I was wrong. Even if he didn't know that it was me he was listening to, even as I saw him wracked with a profound grief over what he thought was my death. I saw his face, his eyes. He was lost. Lost. And it gives me the strength to now comfront him, to help him battle his demons. I should have a long time ago. I could see what they'd done to his soul, how he could never quite trust himself, yet he always told me to trust him. As if my trust in him, let him trust in himself. He's distanced himself from me again, and I hate that. I thought we were back, better than ever, ready to fight, ready to discover all the truths we'd missed. He's withdrawing. He's lost. "Scully?" I snap from my trance, stand to see him coming from the office with a bit of confusion on his face. "I waited for you." I say, a bit dumbly. He looks me over, wonders for a moment, then lets it go, leading me back to the elevator. He's silent on the ride down, his hand still touching the small of my back, reassuring him that I'm there. I shake off my feelings of doom about the conversation I'm about to start, and plunge right ahead. "Thank you Mulder." His head snaps to mine. He was far far off. "What for?" "For seeing what was really there." He glances at me again, looks to the panel. I wonder if he's thinking about calling the emergency phone for help. Odd thought, but of course, I'm trying not to get too deep into this. Just let him know. Otherwise more could come from me than I want him to really know right now. The doors slide open and we walk in silence to the office, down some more steps, finding it easy, comfortable ground. This is our territory, we can act right here. He unlocks the door, lets me precede him in, then closes it behind us. I can feel things waiting. Waiting for me to tell him that this wasn't his fault. Before, in a case similiar to this, with a man named Modell lying in a hospital bed and Mulder standing over him in guilt, I took his hand. I let him know I was still there, still ready to go wherever he wanted. I can't take his hand now. It would not say enough. It doesn't say anything anymore. I don't know how to start. There's nothing I can put in words. Only that he knew what was right and he went after it even though I left him. I feel like dirt for betraying him. I feel guilty and stained for not backing up my partner. I glance to his face, then cast my eyes down, knowing he is looking straight at me. "I'm sorry I didn't back you up, Mulder. I'm sorry." I can hear his shock even with my ears filled with my own beatraying words. I think I've needed to apologize to him for a long time now. His hands shake and touch my face. "Scully . . . whatever you said, it was right. I was being reckless-" I shake my head free of his hands. "No, Mulder. You were being right. You were right and you usually are, but I still wouldn't see it. I was too closed off this time, too narrow minded. I'm only hurting you more, Mulder." He's confused, I know. But I need to say this, I need him to understand that the wrong of the world does not fall squarely on his shoulders. Some of it falls on me. I need him to forgive me, not to ignore what I've done. "Scully, look. You thought you-" "Stop it Mulder. Stop. I . . . I just want you to forgive me. To tell me that I didn't hurt you too badly. That you'll be okay." He smiles softly, still upset that I've gotten upset. Still confused that I'm even telling him this. I should have told him from the very beginning. "You didn't hurt me too badly, Scully. I got over it." I blink, smile. "Good. Good." My words are more a relief that a control over something. I shake a bit, shiver in the intensity of feelings I have never before given in to. He takes my shoulders, pulls me into him. He seems to understand that this has forgiven me, and also forgiven him. We don't need anymore words now. I feel safe again, secure in us. We've gotten through this, and we'll get through more. I have to remember to tell him, to find the courage in me to face my own demons and therefore, to help him release his. "I love you, Mulder. I didn't want to hurt you." He snakes his hand through my hair. "I know. It's okay." I may have messed up, but he's forgiven me. And forgiven himself. ~~~~~ end adios RM