Title:      Welcome To My Hell

Author:     Nichole

Rating:     NC-17

Keywords:   MSR, Angst, Scully's POV

Spoilers:   "Sein Und Zeit"

Summary:    "I mutter small words of comfort, 

            knowing all the while that they are in vain, 

            that they carry no salvation from the hell 

            that he is in."

Feedback:   Would be yummy... scoob4u@yahoo.com

Archive:    Sure can! Just ask first, please!

Homepage:   http://www.geocities.com/scoob4u/Nicholes_FanFic.html

Disclaimer: No, I don't own them.  They are property

            of FOX, 1013, and CC.  We can all wish for 

            one really outrageous Christmas present, right? 

            Well then, mine would be to own them. 

            (Shhhhh! Don't tell anybody though.)

              



              Welcome To My Hell



His body is so heavy against mine that I fear I cannot breathe. 

His tears are wetting the shoulder of my shirt, and his hands 

are clutching my arms for something to hold on to.  I feel his 

pain so strongly that I am beginning to get nauseous.  I hold 

onto him tightly, rubbing his back and burying my face into 

his hair.  The smell of him intoxicates me even now in this 

time of sadness and grief.  I mutter small words of comfort, 

knowing all the while that they are in vain; that they carry 

no salvation from the hell that he is in.  The fact that he 

is allowing me to hold him this way tells me that he is 

facing Beelzebub as we speak. 



The crippling position that I am in is beginning to take 

its toll on my body and I fear that I cannot hold him for 

much longer.  I wordlessly guide him to stand and he leans 

into me still.  Childlike, he uses me as his walking staff, 

his personal guide to his room where I sit down with him 

on his bed.  I wrap my arms around him tightly, bringing me 

closer to him than before.  He cries into my neck and mutters 

obscenities to the unholy gods that have overtaken his 

life.  The same gods that are seen only by those who are 

weak--those who have lost more than they have gained. 



I look at this man now and see how courageous he has been, 

how strong and determined he has remained through it all. 

But no one is perfect.  No one has the enviable "Leave It 

To Beaver" lifestyle, especially not Fox Mulder.

Everything that he has done has taken more effort than it 

should.  Everything that we have done together has remained 

imperfect and undesirable.  Our lives cannot be envied, 

for I know not the person who would envy such a sully 

existence.  We have the peace, we have the love, now 

where's the happiness? 



I feel him stop shaking and calm down, his breathing 

beginning to even out.  I feel him nuzzle into the crook 

of my neck as his warm tears trickle onto my bare skin.  

His hot breath adds more humidity to my already moistened 

flesh. 



I place my hand onto the back of his head to hold him to me, 

wanting him to use me as his shelter and to relax in my 

arms.  His nose and mouth touch my neck and I am filled 

with emotions that I cannot explain.  Instantly, I am 

in a state of shock, panic, fear and pleasure, all from 

one simple touch of his mouth.  I stay absolutely still, 

not knowing what to say or do.  I wait for him to move, 

but he doesn't.  I wait for him to say something to me, 

and he doesn't.  I begin to move away and he grips me 

tighter, pulling my body to him with some raw, animalistic 

need that I have never seen from him before.  I wanted to 

comfort him and be his shoulder to cry on, but when exactly 

did our relationship become physical? 



His mouth is upon me, and I find it hard to breathe. 

I can't explain why I feel this way, but for some reason 

I want him to do this.  I feel his lips move and my eyes 

flutter shut.  I tilt my head back a little, unconciously

urging him on.  I feel his mouth open as he plants kisses 

on my highly-sensitive flesh.  I feel his tongue glide 

over my skin and I choke back a moan.  I can't believe 

this is happening--it's almost too good to be true. 



His weight shifts on the bed as he leans into me more, 

spreading his light kisses and gentle licks along my neck 

in his own methodical rhythm.  His body presses against 

mine until I am lying down on his bed. 



He is on top of me, using his body weight to hold me down.  

I welcome it.  I want to feel him--all of him.  



I think Mulder is truly afraid of losing me.  So many 

people have deserted himr, either from death or by 

betraying his trust.  If only I was able to utter more 

than a moan, I would tell him that I wasn't going to leave,

and that I will never betray him. 



His hands travel down my body, stopping at my hips, where

he gently rubs my flesh with his thumbs.  His mouth is 

still on my neck, switching from side to side as he 

ravages my senses with his smell, his touch, and his heavy 

breathing. 



I feel the warm flood of desire rush between my legs 

as my head begins to spin in a million circles.  I 

breathe heavily, keeping in time with him as he strokes 

my hips and thighs through my slacks.  Every place that 

he puts his hands begins to tingle, and I am left only to 

wonder what he will feel like inside of me. 



Suddenly, I feel his hands stop rubbing as he grasps my 

hips tightly.  His mouth stills on a part of my neck and 

I feel him suck my skin.  His intentions of marking 

me are quite clear, though not what I expected from him. 



He situates his hips and legs between mine and I finally 

feel the proof of his arousal through his jeans.  My 

sex involunarily twitches in anticipation of his touch.  

I feel his hand slide along my inner thigh, over my pubis bone

and up to the zipper of my slacks.  I can't help but moan, 

which causes him to speed up his actions begin to kiss my neck 

with newfound urgency.  I thread my fingers through his hair 

and turn my head kiss his forehead. 



Once he frees of my zipper, his hands go back to the top of 

my slacks.  He jerks them down over my hips roughly, taking 

my panties along with them.  With little effort, he manages 

to take them off of my legs and returns to his position 

on me.  I yearn for him to kiss me, to tell me how much he 

loves me, but he will not.  This is the closest that I will 

ever be to him, and for now, it's close enough. 



I expect him to touch me, to feel how ready for him I am, 

but instead he works on the button and zipper of his own 

jeans.  I want him to touch my breasts, to caress me the 

way I need him to, but he will not.  I realize this now. 

This is not sex for love; this is sex for grief.  This is 

the kind of sex that married couples have when they are 

upset with each other--the kind that lacks any positive 

emotion of any kind and is simply about fucking.  



Well, if that's what you want Mulder, then that's what 

you can have. 



Without a second thought, he grasps himself and slides 

uneasily inside me.  I gasp at the feeling--a twinge of pain 

mixed with pleasure.  I try hard not to deter him from 

continuing because I know that he needs this.  He needs

my body to comfort him.



He buries his face once again into my neck and I feel the 

need to cry because he doesn't want to look at me. 



He begins a rapid pace, letting go and setting his inhibitions 

free.  He slams into me hard, harder than I can handle for our 

first joining.  His hands are on the bed to balance himself, 

and his body is barely touching mine as he continues to push 

forcefully inside of me. 



The pain is beginning to get unbearable.  I feel like 

he is ripping apart my insides with each thrust.  I try to 

angle myself towards him, craving that touch on my aching 

bundle of nerves, but he seems to dodge the contact somehow. 

I bend my knees and open myself more, hoping to soothe to 

burning sensation, but that only seems to worsen it.  I hear 

him grunt as he begins to thrust faster, his orgasm not 

far from sight.  I am aggravated with his selfishness, 

and so I reach down to satisfy myself, to bring myself 

to that release, but he only pushes in harder. 



I resort to grabbing his head with my hands and I force 

him to look at me.  His eyes open slowly, revealing his 

darkened, lust-filled eyes to me.  This is a side to Mulder 

that I never thought existed.  This must be what hell looks 

like. 



He looks at me only for a moment this way until his 

true eyes come back to me.  The loving, kind, and gentle

Mulder returns, and he is filled with so much regret and pain 

that I almost wish that the hell would return just to save 

him from it.  His body stops moving and he withdrawals 

himself from me, and crawls onto his side. 



"Oh, Jesus, Scully," he loudly sobs.  I reach out to hold 

him and he retracts, nearly falling off the bed to avoid 

my touch.  "Don't, Scully!  Just don't!"



I reach for him anyway, and he surrenders.  He begins to 

cry again and I feel a tremendous amount of pity and 

sorrow for us both.  "Mulder, it's okay," I gently assure 

him as I stroke his hair. 



He looks into my eyes with his and assesses the situation 

carefully before dropping his gaze to somewhere in the 

space between us.  "Scully, I am so, so sorry. I-I don't 

know what happen--" 



"Shh... don't be sorry, Mulder," I coo, "I wanted it just 

as much as you did." 



"I shouldn't have taken advantage of, of you like that."



I kiss his forehead and smooth my hand over the back of his

neck.  "I love you, Mulder.  You didn't take advantage of

me."



I see the corners of his mouth go up into a beautiful grin.  

"Scully, do you think that there is any way that you could 

possibly forgive me, even if it meant having to join me in my 

hell?" 



"Mulder, I think that both of are lives are in hell. 

They always have been, always will be.  It's the level 

of hell that we can control, and the further from the 

flames we get, the closer to heaven we'll be," I gently 

tell him.  



He looks up at me and smiles a small smile that I know is 

truly Mulder; one that I could never grow tired of seeing, 

even if it meant having to spend the rest of my life in hell. 



"So does this mean that I can make love to you, Scully?"



"No," I say dryly. 



His smile fades and his head drops again.  I reach 

out to grab his chin and he leans towards me, capturing 

my lips with his.  The feeling of his warmth on my lips 

is heavenly.  I breathe him, I taste him, and I feel his 

skin me.  Surely hell couldn't feel this good.  "But I can

make love to you," I breathe.



We slowly take off the remainder of our clothing, 

this time taking it slow enough to savor the feeling 

and beauty of each other's bodies.  The taste and sight 

of his skin is like smooth, sweet honey.  The feel of 

him is like a warm bath on a winter day.  The noises 

that he makes on his decent down my body are a gentle 

hum upon my eardrums. 



He slowly enters me this time, and I lose all sense of right 

and wrong.  Everything in the world comes to a halt and I 

finally understand what they mean by love.  I feel like I 

could fly, and the only person that I can imagine myself 

with in the air is Mulder.  Normally, I'm not a romantic 

person, but I think I've just recently changed my ways of 

thinking in that department. 



He worships my body and takes his time by making sure to 

stroke my sensitive flesh as he pulls in and out.  His lips 

are on my mouth and his tongue reaches out to tease mine.  



I feel him make his way down to my breast with his mouth, 

leaving a wet trail of saliva down my neck and chest where 

he has licked my skin.  He teases the tip of my erect nipple 

with his tongue and in response, I rub my hips harder 

against his, creating friction where I need it the most. 



I feel him tense and know that he is close.  This time, 

though, I am ready to join him as he ascends from hell. 



He grunts louder as he thrusts harder into me, and I 

bend my knees again, allowing him better access inside. 

His hand slides down my body and stops at the place where 

we are joined, finding my aching clitoris with his fingers. 

He teases it lightly at first, and my hips jolt towards 

him in response.  A loud moan escapes my lips.  He begins 

to rub harder as he thrusts faster.  I moan constantly, 

rolling my head around on the pillow.  



When I fear that he can no longer control his impending 

orgasm, I thrust my hips towards his hand in search of my

release.  He begins to rub harder and faster, quickly 

bringing me to my climax.  My internal muscles grip him

as my body shakes against his.  I arch my back off of 

the bed and my hands clutch the sheets.  



He groans as I yell out his name and after three deep 

thrusts inside of me, he grits his teeth and grunts loudly as

he explodes inside of me.  His body collapses on top of mine, 

and his fingers withdrawl from my sensitive bundle of nerves. 



After our breathing slows, he kisses me and rolls to his 

side.  He gathers the sheets around us and I lay my head 

on his chest.  I feel the slow rise and fall of his

ribcage as his breathing calms.  



"This is going to sound corny perhaps," I raise my head

to look into his eyes.  "But, I do love you Mulder, and

I know that you may not want to hear that right now, but 

I just thought you'd like to know."



He says nothing in reply, so I lay my head down again.

I can't believe that I had just opened myself up to him 

like that, not only physically, but my entire self, soul, 

and heart included.



"So do you have anything to say to me about that?" 

I question him, squeezing every last drop of pride 

from my body. 



"Welcome to my hell, Scully."



I look up from his chest to see him smiling down at me.



"Thank you," he simply says.



I smile.  "You're welcome."



He leans down to place a kiss to my forehead.  



I lay back down and close my eyes.



"I love you, Scully."



And I smile.



                     Tha End.



Author's Notes: Okay, so I'm a sucker for the SUZ hug

scene.  I just have this strong feeling that somewhere 

in there lies some answers about the conception of baby

Will.  (Well, either that or all things, HAD, ....) 

Hopefully you enjoyed this fic and you feel like dropping

me a line! :)