Title: Trading Places Author: Chad Tanaka E-mail: chadt@aloha.net Rating: PG Category: Vignette, Angst Spoilers: Tithonus Keywords: VA, post-ep fiction Archive: Anywhere, as long as my name, address and disclaimer remain with it. Summary: Scully's thoughts as she waits for the inevitable. Trading Places XXXXXXXXX The pain... Pain, white and burning - like a red-hot poker fresh out of the fire thrust sharply into my abdomen. I can feel this and almost see this, too. My body, though still attached to reality by a thread of incredible agony, seems to float outside myself. I can see the shocked, vacant look on my face - the blood draining swiftly from my already pale skin. I am white as a sheet. I cannot move. I sink to the floor. Fellig is...was right. Death is all but here now. I can feel him. He is coming. My first thought, after drawing my attention away from my mortal wound, is...why? How is it that life can slip away so easily? Why doesn't God afford some consideration to those who try to live a just life? How is it that Death forsakes a man like Alfred Fellig, but comes instead for me? I refused to believe Fellig's story, although he saw right through my self-denial. Considering how many X-Files I've seen, I'm surprised I could so easily dismiss the whole idea of immortality. It sometimes feels like a personal shortcoming, this need for physical and scientific evidence. My faith in God - and in you, Mulder - should have given me some measure of open mindedness - an ability to examine "extreme possibilities." Now, during the end, I see how ridiculous my stubborn attitude really was. Fellig knew what he was talking about. I'm so cold...and tired. But I can't sleep. If I do, I know I won't wake up. Oh...all the feeling is leaving my body. I feel numb, even when that asshole Ritter ineffectually presses against my wound. I imagine my dark lifeblood squirting out between his fingers, bathing me in the sticky crimson. His pathetic attempts only manages to further open up the ragged hole in my midsection until the blood has seeped into my esophagus and then into my mouth. The coppery taste of warm blood isn't helping my situation. The signs are all here. I am dying. I should feel fear; but the light, which draws my attention like a moth to a flame, is getting brighter. Then I see him...the man of the hour - out of the corner of my eye, just like Fellig said. He is as slippery and sneaky as most would believe. He flits back and forth - his dark shape stopping frequently to face me menacingly. Oh, God. He's close. And coming closer. I wish you were here at this moment, Mulder. I want you to take me away from all this. I need for you to save me again. But I know this time, you cannot save me. It is too late. I'm so sorry I left you behind at headquarters like that, Mulder. You deserve a better partner than a sad, pathetic shell of a woman who ditched you with nary a glance back. I know what you thought. You thought that this was my chance - an opportunity to get away from all the background checks and the fertilizer hunts. You sacrificed your happiness and well-being in order to support my breakout assignment. And what did I do? Like a fucking lemming I followed orders blindly and left for the wonderful state of New York. Without you. I ditched you. You might not think so, but in the end, I did. And although I needed you on this one, I did my job. Look where it got me. I went and ditched Agent Ritter too, simply because I thought he was wrong and I was right. Sound familiar? I'm not surprised. I ditched him. Ironic, huh? Serves me right, probably. With all the whining I do about you running off half-cocked, I should have known I was putting myself at risk confronting Fellig alone, without notifying my "partner" of my whereabouts. And to think my hypocrisy is what killed me. Life is funny sometimes. Why couldn't we have gotten this one as an X-File, huh? At least you wouldn't have shot me like that bastard Ritter did. Oh, well...God, I'm so cold. Sleep seems the most logical thing right now. But I know I can't for some reason...I, I can't remember why. I'm sorry, I'm leaving you again, and where I'm going, you can't come after me. Not for awhile, anyway. But I'll be waiting for you, okay? I...I have to tell you something, Mulder. I know I haven't said it to you, really. But I have to say it now - at least while I'm on this side of the veiled curtain. I love you, Mulder. I don't know when or how, but I do. Sometimes it feels like forever that I've yearned for your touches and smiles...and your awful jokes and innuendoes. I wish I had forever to experience that and more with you. But that won't be possible now... For Death is upon me. He crouches down in front of me. I can smell the stench of him radiating off his body...or whatever it is. I can't really see clearly. He has no face - just a blank, dark void where a face would be. I'm scared, Mulder. Oh, God. Where will he take me? Heaven? Hell? Oh, God. I'm really scared. I wish you were here...I wish you were here. Oh, God. He's reaching out to me. His spindly, withered hand is coming nearer and nearer. I wish I could scream. I want...wait a minute. Someone is talking. I hear it from far away. Is that you Mulder? Oh. It's Fellig. I see his lips move. Why isn't the bastard dead? His wound is even worse than mine. He is grasping my hand tenderly. I try to make out the words... "Do you see him?" he says. I can't answer. He tries again. With all my effort, I try to tell him yes, I can see the specter he has been chasing after fruitlessly for over a hundred years. All I can manage is a short, non-descript croak. My dying words. Even you would see the irony in that, Mulder. Then, Fellig tells me not to look - to close my eyes. Is he saying...Oh. Of course, why didn't I think of that? Oh God, please let this work. It would be fitting, wouldn't it? Everyone gets what they want. Alfred Fellig wants to die. I want to live. Simple. With a little effort, I close my eyes to the horror that is Death. I don't want to sleep, yet I know I must shut my eyes. Somehow, I know that Death is making his choice. Let him embrace Fellig. I'm not ready yet. And as blessed darkness encloses me in it's quiet embrace, I still feel the incongruously compassionate grip of an almost-immortal man upon my arm. I pray this works. Go with God, Fellig...and good riddance. XXXXXXXXXX END