TITLE: Renewed AUTHOR: Stephanie E-MAIL: purple_panther7@msn.com FEEDBACK: Yes! This is my first story so I really want to know if it's any good! RATING: PG 13 CATEGORIES: Romance, Angst. KEYWORDS: MSR SPOILERS: Duane Barry, Ascension, One Breath DISCLAIMER: Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter's, and 1013 productions, not me! SUMMARY: Between the time when Melissa and Margaret Scully leave and Dana asks about nurse Owens, Mulder comes back for some one-on-one with Scully, and the two do a little talking and a little more. I stare out the window at the beautiful fall day. Oh how I long to be outside, to walk under the warm sun and feel the cool breeze on my skin. The leaves are falling off the trees as a new season begins. But I haven't been discharged yet, so I'm forced to simply gaze out at the birds fluttering by the trees. It's fun to watch them, to see them swoop and glide. But it's nothing like what it would be like to be one, to fly. More than I want to be outside, I want to fly. A knock comes at the door, interrupting my thoughts, and a nurse steps in. "Dana? Someone back to see you again" she says with a quick smile. Mulder steps in shyly. "Hi" he says as the nurse leaves, closing the door behind her. "Hi" I reply with a smile. I run my hand over the cross at my neck. He sits on the edge of the bed. "I wanted to talk to you... I don't know why I didn't before. But I want to talk to you," he says. "Okay. What about?" "I just.. I want you to know that I don't know what I would have done if you... If you hadn't..." "Mulder, it's okay." I say. I see tears in his eyes. I take his hand and hold it. "No. No, Scully, it's not. I haven't expressed to you how important you are to me. And I need to do that. I don't want to get in another situation like this where I'm just wishing you knew how much I care about you, how amazing you are. You need to know. I... When they first ...found you... I just didn't know what to do. They wouldn't tell me how you got there, I went insane. I almost beat a guy up. They had to drag me away. And I couldn't help it, I couldn't control myself. I just... I wanted to know that you were okay." "I appreciate that, Mulder." I say. "More than you know. When... when Duane Barry... took me... I had so much faith in you, Mulder. I've... I have never been so afraid. And I knew that my life was in your hands. It was up to you to find me, and you did. Well, not technically, but you searched for me, and you helped find me, and you tried. I know you tried. Almost harder than you've tried for anything else in your life. And I know that, because I can tell from your eyes. And I really value that a lot, Mulder. I really do. I don't think I would have lived without you." "You never would have been taken if it weren't for me." "Shit, Mulder, don't blame yourself! I mean it!" I say. I surprise myself at how loud my voice is. "Mulder, this is not your fault. There are a lot of other people that... If they weren't here, it wouldn't have happened. And that's okay, because every little detail of everything makes up what happened in the end, it's just the way things are. You can't help it. If it's someone's fault simply because they existed, it's not worth wasting time over, because it was unpreventable. Mulder, you can't blame yourself." "I... well, okay. I just... It felt like it was my fault. Beforehand, your mother had picked out your gravestone... Dana, I didn't know what to do, where to turn. You are the only one I trust. I just felt so.... so alone. I cannot comprehend what I may have done if... you hadn't made it. Or worse, if they hadn't found you. When they took you off support, I couldn't take it. Scully, I almost killed myself. I was this close to doing it when they called me." He says, holding up his thumb and pointer finger an inch apart. I squeeze his hand. "Mulder... If.... If that ever happens again, if I am in critical condition like that... you can't. You can't take your life because of me. That's not right. I can't let you." As I say this, I slowly stroke his hand and look up at him. He takes a moment to gather his thoughts before speaking. "Scully, I just felt like I had nowhere to turn. I don't have any friends or anyone else I love or trust, except for you. I just didn't know what I'd do if I lost that. I still don't know what I'd do." "I understand that, but I can't live when I constantly fear becoming vulnerable and because of that, losing you. What if you had killed yourself already when they called you? It would be terrible. Suicide is not the answer, Mulder. It doesn’t solve anything." "I realize that now, Scully. But it seemed like the right thing to do then. A life without you would hardly be a life at all," He says, looking into my eyes. He leans down and gently kisses me hand. I am speechless. "I... Mulder, you.... I feel so... Mulder, that's so sweet of you, I just... I feel the same way. I don't know what I would do without you... I don't know if I could go on without you. You mean so much to me Mulder, I... I love you so much." "I love you" he says. He strokes my cheek. I lean closer to him, and he abruptly leans in and kisses me. I'm stunned. It's brief, but still more than just a peck. My tongue touches his for an electric fraction of a second before he breaks off. He looks down, embarrassed. I don't know what to do, if I should say something, or kiss him back, or ask him to leave. I'm confused and a little scared. We just had such a nice talk, and it ended in the last possible way I thought it would. I never expected him to do that. He's Mulder! Do I want a relationship like that with him? Do I want to kiss him? Do I like the feel of his lips on mine, our tongues together? I only thought about it once, and I came to the conclusion that he was my partner, and we would never be in a situation like that. I didn't think I would ever have to consider having that type of relationship with him. I don't know what to do, I don't know how I feel. "Mulder-" I start. "Scully, it's... I- we..." He sighs. "I'm sorry. That was out of line." He mumbles something else as he stands up to leave. I grab his hand just before it slips out of reach, and I pull him back to me. I impulsively cup his face in my hand and kiss him, a deeper kiss than the last one, but still not an extremely sensual kiss. After a few seconds we both lean back at the same time, breaking the kiss. He holds my hands and gazes into my eyes. "Mulder... is this..." I struggle for words as they jumble in my head. "Mulder, I'm confused. Are you- I mean, are we...?" Mulder looks at me, really looks at me. His face isn't blank, but there isn't a word for how he was looking at me. "Do you want us to be?" he asks me. "I'm not sure. I... I don't know what I want. Do you want to?" "Dana... Scully. Scully, if you want to, so do I. If not, that is perfectly fine with me, and as soon as you get outta here we can just go to work and act like this never happened." He says. He drops my hands and looks at his feet. I grab him by his jacket and pull him into me again, and kiss him softly, my tongue sliding across his, his hands stroking my hair. About two minutes later we both come up for air. "I'm assuming that’s a yes" he says.