TITLE: Dear John AUTHOR: Brandon D. Ray EMAIL ADDRESS: publius@avalon.net DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere is fine, so long as my name stays on it and no money changes hands. FEEDBACK: Go ahead; knock yourself out. SPOILER STATEMENT: all things RATING: PG CONTENT STATEMENT: Sexual innuendo. Parody. MSR. Sc/O. M/O. CLASSIFICATION: VRH SUMMARY: post-ep for "all things" Time to start scratching names out of those little black books. THANKS: To Narida, for the quick readthrough. AUTHOR'S NOTES: I suppose at some point I'll manage to address the many serious issues raised in this episode. But this is the first thing that popped into my head. ;) DISCLAIMER: In my dreams... Dear John by Brandon D. Ray Mulder paced nervously back and forth through his partner's living room as she dialed the phone for the fifth time. *Her* fifth time, that is; he'd dialed it four times, himself. This was taking a lot longer than he'd expected it to take, back when he first suggested the idea. He'd thought it would be quick and easy; just a few phone calls, and that'd be it. But he hadn't counted on the people they were calling raising such a fuss. He also hadn't counted on Scully having such a long list of people to call. "Hello, John; it's me ... Yes, that's right, 'Scully FBI' ...." Mulder gritted his teeth, and tried to be grateful that she at least had managed to reach the man. "Well," she was saying, "actually, that *is* why I'm calling, in a way. You see, I'm going to have to cancel on you ... No, not just for next weekend -- for good." She held the phone away from her ear for a moment, then brought it back again. "Well, I'm sorry, but I don't feel I have any choice. You see, I'm with Mulder now ... Yes, just last night." She paused again, and rolled her eyes. "Why do you men always have to ask that question? ... Well, if you must know, yes, he's very, um, adequate." //Adequate??// "No, John, I'm not going to say any more than that ... No, I'm *not* ... If it's any consolation, Walter and Alex were just as devastated as you are ... Yes, and Melvin, too." She sighed, and rolled her eyes again. "Well, for heaven's sake, I had to call *someone* first ... I'm sorry you feel that way, but at least we'll still have our memories, right? Yes, and the videos, too." Mulder realized that he was standing still, staring at his partner intently; now he started pacing again. Jesus; this was going to take *forever*. "No," Scully said after another moment. "No, I'd never done it on horseback before, either. See? There are some happy memories in there .... Yes, and the time with the licorice whips, too. I liked that a lot." Scully made a face, and Mulder realized he was staring again, but this time he couldn't make himself stop. Licorice whips? "Look, John, I have to go ... Yes, I really am sorry, but that's life, I guess. All things happen for a reason ... Goodbye, John." Scully hit the DISCONNECT button, and practically threw the phone at her partner. "Your turn," she said briefly. "Shit, do I have to?" Mulder suddenly remembered that there were things worse than listening to Scully place *her* calls. "This was your idea, Mulder," she said flatly. "*You're* the one who insisted on monogamy." "But, Scully -- you heard what *Phoebe* was like. This next one's *really* got a temper!" "You should have thought of that *before* you made this suggestion. Now quit stalling." Mulder sighed, and dialed the number -- one of many he knew by heart. It was answered on the third ring. "Hello?" he said cautiously. "Bambi? I'm afraid I've got some bad news --" Fini