Channeling Laura by Mish mish_rose@yahoo.com Classification: V, H (at least I hope so), MSR, Scully first-person Rating: PG Spoilers: Arcadia Summary: Scully finds out she *can* do a very good Laura Petrie impersonation. Distribution: Yes, go for it, although I don't expect a mailbox full of requests, you know? Disclaimer: The X-Files, Dana Scully and Fox Mulder are the property of Chris Carter and 1013 Productions. I have no idea who owns the rights to the Dick Van Dyke show, but I sincerely hope I am not infringing! Dedicated to Nanny - don't try this at home with Jimmy, okay? Channeling Laura Thank God it's our last night in this cursed house. The "garbage monster" that Mulder claims he saw is no more and Gogolak is dead. The sickeningly nice neighbors are now avoiding us like the plague - which is fine by me. The only thing I regret is that my cozy bedroom is destroyed, which means I've been forced to move the clothes I could salvage into the guest bedroom and Mulder's been relegated to the couch for the night. Well, serves him right, I suppose. He's been a royal pain-in-the-ass since we got here. Okay, actually I found some of his innuendo enjoyable, to say the least. Not that I'd ever let him know it. It's been hard though, quite possibly the most difficult job of playacting I've ever had to do. Sighing, I slip further into the lavender scented water and let Calgon take me away. You know, it's really a pity that I can't respond the way I want to Mulder's subtle propositioning. We could have had some real fun with this assignment. The only other time I had the opportunity to make the move, he bolted like a scared rabbit. And I'll be damned if I'll embarrass myself like that again. I wonder what he would do if I turned up the heat, so to speak. Just to have a little fun, of course. No harm in it for me - maybe a little payback for him. Rob and Laura Petrie, indeed. I creep out of the tub, careful not to splash too much water on the floor. Before turning out the vanity light, I rummage through the cabinet and - voila! - candles! Strategically placing them around the bathroom, I light them, producing an eerie glow that is reflected in the mirror. I wipe the slippery floor up with an extra towel, then hop back in the tub. Geez, the water got tepid really quick! I add lots more hot water, steaming up the mirror even further, and settle in. Just one more little thing to do......there, got it! Carefully controlling my face into a mask of distress I call out, "Mulder!" "What!" He sounds like an aggravated husband that's been interrupted during the Superbowl. Good. "Can you come here, please?" I ask, with the right amount of whine. "What for?" he yells back. "I seem to have a slight problem," I shout. "What is it this time?" He getting closer, I can tell. "I'm stuck," I say, stifling the urge to laugh. "What?" he asks, poking his head around the half-closed door. He notices immediately that I'm still in the bathtub and retreats into the bedroom, leaving the door ajar. "I'm stuck," I repeat, louder this time. "Stuck? How?" "Wellll - I was reminded of a tv show I saw as a kid and - just for curiosity's sake, mind you......*you* were the one that picked the names Rob and Laura Petrie, for God's sake!" "Scully, what the hell are you talking about?" His annoyance is obvious now. I put on my best puppy-dog face and softly say, "My toe is stuck in the faucet and I can't get it out." Well, not really. I wedged it in there pretty good, but I'm sure if I pull on it hard enough, it will come out. "Your what is stuck in what?" The bathroom door is open fully now, with Mulder silhouetted in the frame. "My toe. Is stuck. In the faucet." I repeat slowly. I nod in the general direction of my foot. I don't think I've ever seen Mulder with such a look of astonishment before. "How the hell did you do that?" he asks, hands on hips. "Well, do you remember the episode of the Dick Van Dyke Show where they were on their honeymoon and Laura got her big toe stuck in the bathtub faucet?" God, I'm such a good actress. More naivete, that's it. He nods, apparently seconds away from hysterical laughter. "I've always wanted to try that and - well, it's all your fault!" I say when he finally lets loose with the guffaws. He leans against the vanity and wraps his arms around his waist. "So - you figured - you would - channel - Laura Petrie?" he says bettween gulps of air. "It's not funny!" I say with mock indignation. "Just get me out of here!" A lightbulb goes off in his head and he walks out of the bathroom. "Where are you going?" I call after him. "Be right back, Scully!" he yells. I can hear him running down the stairs. Moments later, he returns with the video camera. I didn't bargain on this. "Oh, no you don't -" I begin. "Now, now, Scully. Who am I to pass up an opportunity like this? Might win ten thousand dollars one day, who knows?" Bastard. All right, fun's over. All I wanted to do was show a little skin, make him blush, and have a good chuckle over it. Time to end this charade. And I would if only my toe would budge. Shit! "Mulder." He's totally engrossed in making like Cecil B. DeMille. "Mulder!" "Smile, Scully, you're on Candid Camera," he says, not pausing in his pursuit of making my embarrassment complete. "This is serious, Mulder. I can't move my toe and I think my leg is falling asleep." I arch an eyebrow toward the lens. He sobers slightly and puts the camera down on the counter top. "All right. I think I have enough to give Frohike a heart attack, anyway." He grins and I fume. "So Dr. Scully - how do you suggest we perform this operation?" "Well, why don't you tug on my foot and see if that works Einstein?" I reply sarcastically. He cracks his knuckles and kneels by the tub. "Sure. Whatever you say, Scully." He's enjoying this way too much. I start when his hands wrap around my foot. A surge of electricity shoots from my foot to - well, let's just say I would be really *wet,* if I wasn't wet already. "Sorry - cold hands. Maybe I should warm them in the water first?" "No!" I answer. "Just pull, okay?" God, why did I think this was such a good idea? "Okay," he says with a dramatic sigh. He gives it a yank - nothing. "Don't be afraid to hurt me, Mulder." "I'm not. I'm pulling as hard as I can." He really is, I can feel it. After a minute of frustration, I say, "Stop, Mulder. This isn't working." He sits back on his heels and gapes at me. "Uh, Scully?" "Yes?" "I think your bubbles have decided to call it a day." He nods in the general direction of my breasts. I follow his gaze, and indeed, I am exposing more skin than I was prepared to show. "Mulder!" I gasp, crossing my arms over my chest like an outraged maiden in a cheesy romance novel. "Hand me that towel and turn around!" To my surprise, he doesn't say a word, just does what I ask. With an eye on him, I release the bathtub plug and wrap the towel around me. My nipples are on high beam - God, I hope he didn't see that! "You decent?" he asks, fidgeting with my hair brush. "Yes, you can turn around now." If I thought he would be a little chastised by my retaliation, I was sadly mistaken. He's practically glowing with mirth. And I'm getting more turned on by the minute. "So glad I could make your day, Mulder," I say. "Oh, Scully, this will make my *year,*" he replies gleefully. After raking me with his eyes once again, he tries for decorum. "So - you want me to call 911?" "No! Just let me think for a minute, okay?" There's got to be a way out of this mess. It comes to me in a flash. "Mulder, look in my cosmetics bag and find the bottle of baby oil. Maybe all we need is a little lubricant." The words escape my mouth before I've really given them any thought. Damn - I walked right into that one. "Lubricant, huh?" he says, leering for all he's worth. "Just shut up, dammit, and get the baby oil. My bag is in the bedroom." I sit in total humiliation for a few minutes, listening to him rummage through my personal things. I will never, ever, do anything this stupid again. I swear, Lord, on a stack of bibles. Please, just let me extricate myself from this fiasco with some dignity, okay? Mulder returns with a small white jar, fascinated with it, apparently. It dawns on me that - No! Please, Lord - I asked nicely enough, didn't I? "Experience earthly delight with this titillating silky cream that has been formulated -" I'm gonna kill him. "Mul-derrr," I growl. "Sudden Comfort? Oooh Scully - got anymore surprises in that bag?" "Yeah - a *big* curling iron that I'm gonna shove right up your -" "Now, Scully," he says, interrupting my tirade. Opening the jar, he inhales deeply. "Mmmm - minty. I like it." Damn Ellen and her *fun* parties. That just happened to be the only item I could buy that didn't require batteries. I had to be the good friend and buy something. Best damn four dollars I ever spent. But, despite wicked thoughts of Mulder, mint and me, I try to regain control of the situation. "Baby oil, Mulder. I said baby oil." If I clench my jaw any tighter, I'll break teeth. Putting aside the jar, he whips out the small bottle from his back pocket. "Right here Scully," he says with a mocking grin. "Good," I answer with relief. "Now get over here and let's give it a try." Within minutes my entire foot is covered in baby oil. So is my leg, Mulder's hands, and his t- shirt where he's tried to wipe some of it off. The smell, pleasant though it is, is overpowering. "Hurry up, Mulder. The smell is making me sick," I say, holding the washcloth over my nose. "I'm trying, Scully. I just don't have a helluva lot of leverage, here, you know." He shoots a look of frustration my way. I am so tempted to stick my tongue out at him.....it's pushing against my teeth when he stops pulling and looks at me. "I have an idea, Scully. Scoot up in the tub." "Now what?" I ask. "Just do it, okay?" I try to move without dislodging the towel further. Before I can protest, he's climbed in behind me. "What -" I begin, but he's put his arms around my waist, causing me to lose all train of thought. "Okay, Scully. Put your other foot on the tub and push against me." I do as he says and, amazingly, my toe pops right out. I think all the blood from my foot rushed to another extremely sensitive part of my body the moment he got in with me. "Oh, Mulder - you're a genius. Thank you," I say, wriggling my foot as the prickles signal blood flow again. Taking advantage of the situation, I burrow deeper into his lap, surrendering to my need completely. What the hell - it's not like I can disgrace myself any further tonight. He breath nuzzles the back of my neck. "Scully?" "Yes?" I reply, leaning my head back against his chest. This is *so* comfortable. "You did this on purpose didn't you?" Busted. "So what if I did?" I answer with as much nonchalance as I can muster. I turn in his arms and bring my lips to his jaw, feathering tiny kisses from his chin to his ear. "Well - you know I charge for my handyman services, don't you?" His eyes are closed, an expression of pure ecstasy on his face. "Name your price, Mulder." I don't care if I have to walk through the neighborhood naked - anything so he'll finish this. "Well, Laura," he murmurs in my ear, "can we continue with the honeymoon now?" "Oh Rob," I say in my best Mary Tyler Moore voice, and his lips finally close on mine. Did I mention what a brilliant idea this was? END Author's Notes: First of all, thanks for all the lovely feedback on "So Let It Be Written" - if I didn't respond, it's only because I got sidetracked from my E-mail last week. But I appreciate each and every one of your emails - I'm working on the sequel now. Anybody want to beta-read it for me? I'm not sure if it's satisfactory, to me anyway. Okay, so it's not exactly in character for Scully - but I just wanted to have a little fun! So sue me! BTW, for those of you that have never seen it, there is an episode of the Dick Van Dyke show where Laura gets her big toe stuck in the bathtub faucet while they're on their honeymoon - it's the only ep of the show that I''ve always remembered fondly. And I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to use the gag here!