Title: Caution to The Wind Author: Caroline aka Spangle Category: MSR some Angst, whole bunch of smut :) Rating: NC17 Disclaimer: They ain't mine...though maybe they should be! Spoilers: Even though I'm not watching S9, I keep up with the story summaries, so this is post ep for Trust No 1. Summary: "Whatever I have to do to see him...I will see him." Dedications: To everyone who understands what it is to *really* love. To Sallie, for being the best beta a girl ever had, and in loving memory of Grace Lee. Also for Sloan and Clair, two fellow xphiles who are always there when you need them :) Distribution: Go for it. Feedback: Please...oh please. spangle1013@msn.com Authors notes: I miss the MSR...it's the reason I can't bear to watch. I miss Mulder...and man am I looking forward to having him BACK!!! This story has shifting perspectives, from one character to the other and back again. I prefer it that way. :) Also I should probably mention that this story is set in the summer. The XF time line is so confusing, but if we accept that Will was born in May 2001, Mulder left 48 hours later, and that they've been apart for several months, that would still make it late summer, maybe Sept. * * * So close, we were so close. If I've said that to myself once these last ten days, I've said it one hundred times. For a single second you were only feet away Mulder, and then as the train passed, so did my chance to see you. I've checked my e-mail every hour I've been awake. I'm going crazy, more desperate to hear from you each and every time. The words, "I miss you," don't convey one tenth of what I feel. I ache inside. I've never been more lonely in my life, and at least I have William here with me; where you, my love, are truly alone. I hate this. I still have the printout from your e-mail to me. The paper is crumpled and worn. I've read it over and over. I don't even know why I've kept it, I have it memorized anyway; and yet I can't bring myself to throw it away. At least until I can replace it with another one. I'm praying like I did during the months I believed you dead. The prayers keep my hope alive somehow, and yet God cannot answer them. Only you, my love, can do that. I need to hear from you...I'm dying here. I know you are still alive. I'm not sure how I know. Maybe it's just that I *have* to believe it to go on. I've never told you this, but if I lost you again I honestly think it would kill me this time. I would hate to betray our son like that, leave him alone. Yet I know it for a certainty that your death is mine. I never knew love could be this strong; could defy my logical and sensible mind; wipe away everything I believe in until the only truth I know is you. I want you back, I want you near me. I want to lose myself in the physicality that is you. I want to drown myself in your eyes and be reborn whole again. I want to hold you...and never let go. I know you can't hear my thoughts, and yet I send them out to you regardless. Lying in *our* bed is both pleasurable and painful on my own. It's too big. It mirrors my aloneness. It's a haven of my happiest memories of you. Why did I never tell you how beautiful you are when you climax? How the sight of you above me, passion in your gaze, sweat on your skin, crying out my name, makes me feel the most alive I've ever been. I want to tell you Mulder...and soon. It's late, but I can't sleep. I have to be up for work in only a couple of hours...it's going to be a long day. I grab for your pillow, you'd laugh, it smells like you. I can hear you asking, "How?" after all this time but I have my ways. Actually I have your cologne and I spray it on me before I go to bed. It surrounds me with a small piece of you to hold near. When did I get so sentimental? I'm rambling...it must be the fatigue. I want to turn off this running commentary in my head, but my brain won't co-operate. My eyelids are starting to feel heavy though, maybe that's a start. I hope I dream of you. I pray the morning brings news. * * * Oh Scully, you'd hate this place. Another cheap motel, another anonymous town. So this is what it feels like to be on the run...never thought this would happen to me. I saw you that night, I wonder if you know this? I should contact you and yet I'm afraid of what I'll say. My resolve is almost gone. I can't live like this much longer without contact with you...and they know it, hence the danger. I want to get you up here, just for a couple of days...that's all I need...but how can I ask? How can I ask you to leave William? How can I ask you to risk my life by coming? The more days that pass, the more I'm willing to die *just*, for the chance to hold you again, make love to you again. I can't live without it... is that why they are doing this? You know me Scully, better than anyone. You know I'm not good when left alone with only my own thoughts for company. I brood, I think too much, I drive myself crazy and then I always, always do something stupid. I need my saviour. That's what you've always been isn't it? They sent you to destroy me, and gave me all I'll ever need to survive. From the start I learned from you. I wasn't often grateful, or forthcoming, but I learned. You pulled me back from my path of self-destruction, and you made me a better man. A better agent, a better everything. It's true...I owe you everything. I love you so. I miss my son. Funny how it's possible to love someone that you barely know so much. I wonder every day what I'm missing. How much he's changed; who he looks like when he smiles. I want to see him grow up, I want to be a father. Why did I never realize that until it happened? I want my child, I want my child's beautiful mother. Scully, I want my family...you are all I have. I already know what I'm going to do, even as the more logical areas of my brain are busy trying to talk me out of it. My heart has already made it's decision. I'm desperate Scully, and desperate men do illogical things...and crazy as it is, somehow I already know you're desperate enough too. * * * 5 days later Highway 1 British Columbia, Canada 45 miles from Hope. It's so beautiful here, and so peaceful. Washington feels like an entire world away, maybe it is. I still can't believe I came. The lies I've told the last few days will have me in confession for an hour at least...I don't care. I'll explain this to Skinner, Doggett and Monica when I return, although my mother knows the truth. She surprised me, I often forget that she frequently does. She actually supported Mulder's crazy scheme and told me to go at once. She said she would have done the same for my father, and I knew that she really understood. "Love demands we throw caution to the wind," she said. I couldn't argue with that, and here I am. The closer I get to my destination the longer each mile seems to be. I'm nervous, and excited, and scared that somehow they've followed me, but most of all I'm happy. Happy because soon I'll be with Mulder. * * * Today dawned bright, and sunny and warm. A perfect day, in a perfectly beautiful location, and my partner will soon be here. Not that she contacted me to tell me she was actually coming, but she didn't have to, I knew she would. I know she's taken every precaution to avoid them following her. Scully is an expert at losing a tale. I worry they can track her with her implant, but seeing as those after me are so different from the *aliens* we've encountered before, I'll risk it. I think this is a different group...I think Krycek was right, and that there is a war being waged in which we are somehow pawns, or prizes. There is still much of the truth to be uncovered, but for the next two days it can wait. I will fight on, but I need to be alone with Scully first. I need to heal this gaping hole in my soul that this separation has wrought. I'm an open wound without her, bleeding for my missing half. I just need to be whole again for a little while, then I can go on. I glance at my watch and realize she could be arriving in Hope fairly soon. It's at least a two hour hike from here to there, I grab my back pack and start for the trail. As I walk I remember every other forest Scully and I have ever been in. We've certainly seen our share of them, but I've never made love to her in one. The weather is so wonderful today I conclude it might be time to change that, and I'll never get her back here without ravishing her; not in a million years. My forced exile has stripped me of my professional persona. The Armani wearing G-Man I used to be has vanished, and for good reason. I blend these days. I rarely shave, my hair is longer than I've ever worn it I think. My jeans are worn, my boots thick, my hands are calloused. I'm tanned, from spending much of my time out doors, I hate to be confined. And I run more than I've done in years. My body is leaner, firmer and stronger. So much time on my hands and so much restless energy to expend. I've swum in rivers to bathe, slept in trees as well as motels. I've moved constantly, avoiding much of civilization. I've kept to myself. I brought few belongings with me, and no ID that is actually my own. I'm George Hale one moment, John Doe the next. The only thing I carry with me that ties me to my real life, is a photo of Scully and Will. I have it on me always, just as I always carry a gun. I have a hundred bank accounts, three nationalities, five passports, two weapons and a computer. My life is tote-able, I can be gone in two minutes...I'm miserable and I want to go home. I wonder how shocked Scully will be by what I've become? * * * Well this is the place...finally. I pull my rental car into the motel parking lot and kill the engine. I'm not sure what to do now. Mulder sent the name of the town, and the motel, and nothing else. I wasn't even sure at first that it had even come from him, then I looked again at the instructions and the pure 'Mulderness' of it became apparent. "Town of 'Hope'(British Columbia, Canada), Starbuck's Inn." Outside of my family, Mulder is the only person I've ever told about my father's nickname for me. And "Hope", what a lovely name for a town. So I'm sitting in my car, in the parking lot of this charming place, and every nerve ending in my body is on highest alert. I'm almost giddy with excitement at the thought of being in Mulder's arms again. You know, for all the years we worked together, side by side, often driving each other slightly crazy with our opposing view points, I realize now how I took it for granted. I saw him everyday then, and I didn't appreciate it for the gift it was. Now, how I long for those times, for the joy of sharing each new day, each new case with him. The amount of time we wasted haunts me now. The thought I might not ever have him back beside me every day...no! I can't even bear to think about it. I slam my palms down hard on the steering wheel of the car. I have to focus on the next two days. For the next two days, I shall have him back, and that's all I want to think about for now. Reality can damn well wait a while, the immediate future is only about Mulder, and me! A tapping on the glass of the driver's window pulls me back from my thoughts. My heart leaps, and triple times it's beating, and the smile on my face has to be the happiest one I've ever smiled. He's standing right next to the car, looking more beautiful than I've ever seen him. Longer hair actually looks good on Mulder, the stubble always has. He is tanned and smiling goofily at me, and I realize I should be moving. I'm out of the door fast, and he steps back to look at me, before I hurl myself at him, and as his strong arms tighten around my back, I start to cry. * * * Scully. Her name repeats in my head over and over. I'm holding Scully again, and right now, for this moment, I'm so happy I could explode with it. Her tiny form is plastered to mine, not an inch of her not touching me. Her face is buried in the side of my neck, and she's sobbing what I know are happy tears. I can hear her repeating my name over and over, muffled, but audible, and I realize that everytime she says it, what she means is, "I love you." We were never very good at speaking our feelings out loud. Even after we became lovers, we rarely said the words, though we both knew what we felt for one another. It saddens me now that I let it go on, and I vow that this will change from now on. I pry her beautiful face from its hiding place, and taking it in my hands I look deep into her eyes. I lower my mouth to kiss her, but just before our lips touch I say what I'm feeling, "I love you Dana Scully, I love you." I meant this kiss to be gentle, a welcome, a promise of more, but I lost control of it the moment her mouth opened beneath mine. Our kiss is hungry, two starving people, desperate to re-connect. There has always been desire between us, but this, this I've never experienced before. If I don't stop kissing her soon, I'm going to be fucking her in the parking lot, in the open, where anyone can watch, and I'm not going to give a damn. I've got her pressed up against the car, pushing myself insistently up against her core, wishing her clothing and mine weren't in the way. Somehow her hands have already found their way inside my shirt, and are running all over my chest and back, making it harder and harder to stop. Which we have to, and I need to tell her about the two hour hike ahead of us. I think Scully is going to kill me. * * * I know we have to stop, and yet there is a part of me, the wild part, that secretly hopes Mulder just won't be able to. That part of me hopes his desire to be inside me is so strong, that he'll take me right here, right now, and damn the consequences. I'd let him. I'd let the wild Dana have control for now, and God help me, I'd let him. I've never wanted him more than I do right now. The separation, the fact that I still haven't recovered emotionally from finding him *dead* all those months ago, the fact that his life is still threatened, combined they drive my need for him higher, into something I can only describe as desperation. And longing, I could call it that too. I'm disappointed as he gathers his control and breaks the kiss. I know he does it for me, but still... "Scully...God, as much as I want this, we have to get out of here." "We aren't staying here?" Mulder shakes his head with a rueful smile, "No, I have somewhere safer, but further away in mind." This means a wait, I know it does. Oh God, how much of a wait? "Mulder?" "Sorry Scully...we've got a bit of a walk ahead of us, but it isn't all that bad, I promise." The boyish grin totally gives him away, maybe it won't be a long wait after all, and at least we're together. I turn and open the trunk of the car, Mulder grabs my duffle bag, and slings it over his back, he slams the trunk, takes my hand and strides away, pulling me after him. The sun is warm on my face, his large hand is warm engulfing mine, and just as the birds are singing, so is my heart. * * * I remember a "nice little trip to the forest" that didn't turn out so well. I'm thinking, that after all these years I can make that up to Scully at last, and make this trip to the forest unforgettable, but for the right reasons! We've been hiking for a little over an hour, and we could keep going, but I can feel the hungry glances she keeps giving me, and I know the need I'm feeling is every bit as great. I remember the last time we made love with perfect clarity, but it was so very long ago. It was in Oregon, when she came to my motel room feeling ill. We broke one of our cardinal rules that night...'no fraternizing on assignments'. I don't know exactly what it was about that night that changed the rules. Between the auditing of our department, seeing Scully with Teresa's baby, I just had some sense that things, as we knew them, were coming to an end . Spooning led to kissing, which led to fondling. Fondling gave way to rampant desire, and thank God she suddenly felt better because I kept her up most of the night. When we returned home, we were busy, and sidetracked, and then before we could have any down time together, I got myself abducted. As much as I wanted her when I finally 'came back', and sorted out my thoughts, her pregnancy had suffered so many scares it just wasn't worth the risk. Then of course, I had to leave. Now, I finally have her here with me, whole, healthy and obviously willing...what the hell am I waiting for ? I drop her bag onto the ground with a decisive thud, and turn to look at her with a predatory smile on my face. The sunlight is filtering through the trees and casting patterns on her hair and skin. Her face is flushed, and her blue eyes are luminous. Dear God Scully, how do you keep getting more and more beautiful? I think all the blood in my body has just rushed south, and the force of my desire hits me like a tidal wave, forcing me into action. I pull her into my arms, cover her mouth with mine, and mentally apologize for my ungentlemanly behaviour. * * * Finally! Thank you God. Finally Mulder does what I've been silently begging him to since we left the car behind. And he's not being gentle...not even remotely, and I wonder if he knew I wanted it rough, or if he simply can't help it? His kisses are bruising and full of passion, his hands are everywhere, and he forces me to the ground under him, before he almost rips open my shirt. I love him wild and untamed. I love him anyway he is, but to be the object of his passion, when he lets it have full reign, is a life changing experience. There is so much beauty in his raw desire, so much love, and he is mine, body and soul. As I am his. I pull his t-shirt up and over his head; I will die if I don't feel his skin on mine soon. Was he always this muscular? Could I have forgotten? No, being on the run has honed his body to this. He is stronger now than he was before. He was always beautiful, but...dear God Mulder, look at you. "Scully you're staring." I drag my eyes from his body to look lovingly into his smiling hazel eyes. "Have I changed that much?" he asks me quietly. "No Mulder. It's just been so long, and how was I to know you would manage to improve on perfection?" He laughs softly before he kisses me again, and I'm drowning in his passion once more; getting hotter by the second. I don't want seduction, or even foreplay, I just need to filled. I've been ready since the car park anyway, and we'll have time to do this properly later...I just can't wait any longer. "Mulder..." I pull my mouth away from his, cupping his face between my hands, I wait until his eyes focus on me. "Now, please just *do it* now." "Scully I..." Placing my finger over his lips I hush him. "I *need* you. I need you now." He answers me by kissing my finger, and reaching down to unbutton the fly of my jeans. He deftly pushes them down, taking my panties with them, and then quickly removes his own clothing. He parts my legs with his knee and I feel him, hot and hard, pulsing, right at my entrance . "I've missed you." he tells me, as he pushes his way firmly inside. He feels incredible, this feels incredible, and I can't help the sudden tears that flood my eyes. "Scully...am I hurting you?" He stays still, buried within me, but unmoving, unwilling to inflict any pain on me. "No." I tell him. "It doesn't hurt. I just...I'd forgotten how amazing this actually feels. I mean...I just feel alive again Mulder. For the first time in over a year...I feel alive." He pulls his hips back, and thrusts forward, burying himself again. "I understand, believe me Scully...I understand." I focus bleary eyes on his perfect face. Mulder's incredible, mercurial eyes have become dark olive green, with little flecks of gold reflecting the sunlight dancing through the trees. His expression is tender, a small smile plays around the corners of his mouth. Of course he understands. I know every feeling I have for him is mirrored within him for me. That we are forced into sharing it with each other in such small measures...it is a travesty. He moves within me again, and my body follows him. Relearning the rythmn, the tempo of his lovemaking. I tug his head down to kiss him, and he drinks in my tears, my gasps of pleasure. He murmurs to me, and I know he has read my mind. "We will be together...we will, don't ever doubt it. What we have is too strong for them to destroy. We will beat them Scully...you just have to believe." In between kisses I answer him. "I do Mulder...I believe." Now there is no more need for talking. There is just *need*. Need for this to never, ever end. Need to kiss each other like there is no tomorrow. Need to move together faster, more urgently, racing towards the shared ecstasy we have both been craving. Need to drive each other over that cliff, need to fly together, united in bliss, delighting in the joy of reconnecting. Need...pure need. * * * "I do Mulder...I believe." I can see she does. Her eyes are full of tears, but I can still see that belief shining in them. Her determination only matches mine. They will not beat me, I have too much to fight for. More than I ever had before, and for this love, for my child, I can do anything...I truly can. I let my body move as it wants. We are both so close already, it doesn't matter that this will be over quickly, it only matters that we are together again. Joined, united, inseparable, just as we have always been. My thrusts are erratic, her movements beneath me enough to undo me by themselves. I can feel nirvana approaching, and I know she will join me there. As she starts to fly before me, and she arches under me, I let myself join her, and wish I could live in this moment forever. * * * "Mulder...I have something for you" I dig through my bag, anxious to give him the gift that I brought him. My fingers close around the precious parcel, and I turn to give it to him. This cabin he rented is rustic, but charming. After we made love in the forest we hiked on to it, and Mulder gave me the grand tour, such as it was. One bedroom, a bathroom, a kitchen and a living area. The furniture is worn but comfortable, and I hope he can stay here a while, it feels safe here. I shake my head at the notion. I of all people should know that nowhere is "safe" enough. I push back my fear, he's alive, and he will stay that way. "What have you got there?" My shirtless Mulder asks me as he returns from the small kitchen, and his dinner preparations. "I brought you something...something I've wanted desperately for you to have." Mulder seats himself on the sofa and motions for me to join him. "I'm intrigued Scully. Are you going to tell me what it is, or do you want to play twenty questions?" "Actually I want to show you...where is your computer?" "On the kitchen table." I hold out my hand for him, and pull him to his feet. "Let's go G-man." I load the CD-Rom into his laptop and turn to find him staring at me with an unreadable expression on his face. I think he might know what this is...and he doesn't want to say anything in case he's wrong. The screen comes to life, and with a few key strokes William's face fills the computer's screen. He is smiling and giggling. At the sight a sharp pang of sadness hits me. How I wish I could have brought him with me. How I wish I could see Mulder cradling our son again...God how I hate this. I'm so busy enjoying the video footage of Will, that I don't pay attention to Mulder as he seats himself on one of the kitchen chairs, and leans in closer to the screen. It is a few minutes later, when it dawns on me that Mulder hasn't said anything, that I actually return my attention to him, and find myself bursting into tears. Mulder is staring at the screen, completely transfixed by the images he sees. There is an intense look of wonderment and pride on his face, and so much love pouring off of him that the force of his emotion becomes tangible. There are tears on his face, falling silently from his eyes. They make their way down his cheeks, but he seems oblivious to their presense. He is lost in his adoration of the very small boy he watches, and I'm so very glad I brought this for him...I can *feel* how much he needed this. I seat myself beside him, and running my fingers gently through his hair, we watch the remainder of the video. When it finishes, his arms go around my waist, his face buries itself in my lap, and he quietly composes himself. "Thank you...tell him everyday that I love him Scully. Promise me that, tell him everyday." His words are a little muffled, his voice a little choked. I hug him to me, and I vow never to let a day go by without telling our son exactly that. * * * Her skin looks even paler in the moonlight, the sheets below her appearing to be one color with her body. I could lie here all night and just *gaze* at her, the joy of seeing her sharing a bed with me again enough to keep me wide awake. I don't want to miss one moment of this; who knows how long this will have to sustain me? Of all the things I've done in my life, trying to live without her in it on a daily basis, has got to be the hardest. To fight *so* hard, so often, for eight years, to prevent that very thing from happening; and then to have to walk away myself...to be the instrument of that separation. That walk away, that was the worst day of my life, and too soon I have to repeat it. May God grant me the strength, when the time comes, for now I am all weakness, and I reach out to wake her. Her eyes flutter open with a smile in them, and before I can utter a word she reaches for me, pulling me down to her mouth, forgiving me. A light kiss on my mouth becomes feather light kisses all over my face. Greedy hands caress my skin, leaving fire in their wake, and soft utterances of my name inflame me. I am a slave to her. With the surprising strength, that few know she posesses, she flips me over onto my back and continues her trail of kisses down my neck, and over my chest. I tangle anxious hands in her hair, not wanting to guide her, and yet craving her mouth lower...lower, and finally... oh God! Right there! Her warm lips engulf me, slide over me, and the sweet torture only she can inflict begins. I force my eyes to stay open, force my mind to record the incredible sensations. I could so easily give in to the release she seeks to bring me, and yet I will only spill my seed inside her womb...call me sentimental. She pushes the limits of my control, and yet I know she senses what I really want...what she wants too. One call of her given name raises her mouth from me, and with a small, soft sigh, she crawls back up my body, and stops, on all fours above me. "You know, it's silly really, but to hear that name, from you, still makes me tingle Mulder." Her name, "Dana". Whilst she will always be "Scully", I'm glad she told me this. She told me before I left...although she's never told me why. "Will you tell me?" The full question is in my eyes. "Because 'Scully' was your partner, your friend, your better judgement, your counterbalance. 'Scully' stood beside you, behind you, and up for you, and yet 'Dana' is the woman inside 'Scully'...the woman you finally *see*. Because 'Dana' has loved you since the very first, though for seven years 'Scully' could not allow her to admit it. I kept them separated Mulder, 'Scully' and 'Dana'...but now they are together, and when I hear you use that name, I know you see that too." "I always saw her you know. I know you kept her hidden from me, afraid of what it might mean if you allowed her out, but I saw her just the same. Just as you always saw right through me, the facade of 'partnership' was just that, a facade. Deep down I think we always knew what was really going on between us. Somehow we always knew it was love." "You're right, we did know. But never speaking it caused its fair share of problems Mulder...it made us *doubt* sometimes. It allowed the shadows of others to be cast between us..." "...and that can never happen now." I lift my head to kiss her mouth. "Brilliant analysis as always...so how come you still haven't tried calling me 'Fox'?" She sighs loudly, and quirks her eyebrow in that way she has that always seems to tell me, "You're crazy". "I suppose you want the truth?" Is she kidding? "The whole and nothing but." "It makes me hear Diana in my head...the way she always called you by your first name, and not once did I ever hear you complain. It makes me remember the only time I ever tried to call you "Fox," because I was trying to tell you, how important *you* had become in my life; and how you lied to me." **I even made my parents call me "Mulder".** She lifts her eyes to meet mine, and I am overcome with guilt at the pain I see in them. I hurt her, and I never knew I had inflicted pain on her then. It was a stupid lie. My parents both called me "Fox..." but I was trying so hard not to let her in. I raise my head and kiss her again, trying to take away that hurt, trying to atone. "I'm sorry Scully...I hurt you, and that's always been the last thing I ever want to do." She sighs. "It didn't hurt at the time Mulder, it was later, when I realized you had lied that it hurt. And when she called you that...I knew instantly she had been someone very important to you, and the fact that *I* couldn't call you that...it hurt then too Mulder." "Does it still hurt Scully? Even now, when you have no doubts what you mean to me, what you have always meant...does it still bother you?" She hesitates for a second before she looks me in the eyes, and it gives her away. I already know the truth, I am just waiting to see if she will admit it. "Sometimes." Inside I am rejoicing that we have come far enough to share what we once never would have. That the hiding has truly stopped. I move quickly, flipping her beneath me and positioning myself between her thighs. "Dana." "Yes Mulder." "Call me anything you want...just call me 'yours.'" I sink into her welcoming depths, moving slowly, never taking my eyes from her face. "I am yours Dana...", I remember her words, "...forever yours." "Ma-e." she replies. "My Mulder, my love, my life...Ma-e." As I thrust harder, claiming throughly what has always been mine, I smile in utter happiness at her words. My Scully, she always finds her own unique path, *her* way of doing things, even when calling me by my given name...'Ma-e'...Navajo for 'Fox'. * * * The pleasure is blinding. It obscures the danger, the future, the coming separation...leaving only the love I see on his face. When he is with me like this, when I can feel him around me, within me, in those moments life feels like an eternity. I only want more moments like this one, when he is safe in my arms, safe in my body...moments when I feel only joy and sorrow is barely a memory. Every day I love him more, and where once that used to scare me, now it is the constant that guides my life. I was meant for this, to be the one who loves this incredible man beyond all sense or reason. This is the purpose of my life. I am so glad. No other purpose would I choose, no other life... just this, with Mulder. His thrusts are erratic, release is close for him, and I selfishly push him closer, needing to see it overcome him. I squeeze myself tighter around him, arching into the perfect angle to send myself over as well, and within seconds I am rewarded, as blinding pleasure takes us both again. He is asleep, with a murmured 'I love you', shortly after. My turn to watch. His face in slumber shows me so much of the little boy he once was, and our little boy as he will be. There is so much of Mulder in William, it's so easy to see. The curve of their mouths is identical, William has Mulder's elegant hands and feet. I see in the father, how the son will grow...now I must work on a way for the father to see it. Another day, another night, and I must return to Washington and my altered existence. I will be without him once more, and so I snuggle closer. His skin is so warm beneath my hands, his body firm and solid. Clinging to the here and now, I drift into an uneasy sleep. When I awaken, the bed is empty. I leap from it, grabbing at my clothes, seized by dread that something has happened to him. If he left now, without a goodbye...I run into the kitchen, my heart pounding, and he is there. He is dressed in blue jeans and his ubiquitous grey t-shirt, he cradles a mug of coffee and is staring out of the window. "Mulder?" He turns to face me, mouth turning upwards in a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. I know how he feels. As wonderful, as affirming as this time together is, the shadow of separation just won't leave us alone. We will have to live under its shadow for God knows how long, before we find a way to dispell it for good. I move in four quick strides to be near him. "Mulder...I...I was worried." "I know. I'm sorry Scully, I wanted this time to be nothing but happy, but knowing I'll be without you again, in just a matter of hours...I'm sorry I can't shake it off." "Neither can I. Promise me you won't leave without telling me." "Scully...Dana, it might be better that way...I don't know if I *can* say goodbye." "Mulder promise me...please, don't leave like that." He looks away for a moment, and I can see the struggle going on within him. I understand what I am asking him, I know how hard it will be, we already did it once. But I need to know he won't just suddenly be *gone*...I need to know I said all I had to say. When his eyes meet mine again, I can see he has come to the same conclusion, albeit reluctantly. "Okay Scully, I promise. We'll do it your way, as hard as that will be." "We still have today Mulder...and tonight." He puts his coffee down on the counter, steps close enough to wrap his arms around me, and pulls me hard against him. Silencing any questions with a savage kiss, he murmurs against my mouth, "And now...we have now." * * * Epilogue Doggett POV She hasn't explained where she's been the last four days, but I really don't have to ask. Throughout the meeting in Skinner's office I studied her surreptitiously, and although her professional persona was in place, the subtle signs were glaring to me. The sparkle is back in those heavenly blue eyes, like she has re-charged herself with him, with his essence and is stronger now. Her walk is more determined, less weary, her shoulders held straighter, at least some of the weight on them lifted. She speaks with more energy, her whole aura radiating hope, instead of the sense of despair she had last week. She looks alive again, not half dead, pining away for the connection that so obviously sustains her. He sustains her. In all my life I have never known a love like that. A connection to another person *so* strong, that to be deprived of it means dying a little bit more each day. I don't know whether to envy what they share, or to pity them the pain involved. I only know I wish I could be the one to effect these changes within her, impossible as that wish is. For Scully belongs to Mulder...and with Mulder, is where she has been.