Title: Way Beyond Blue Author: Jori E-Mail: jori@netroenterprises.com or damienma@adelphia.net Summary: One lonely night can change everything. Archive: If you want it. Rating: NC-17 Category: SRA Keywords: MSR, post-ep for 'Per Manum' Spoilers: season eight, Per Manum, Trust No 1 Disclaimers: You're kidding, right? No, not mine. They still belong to 1013. Notes: This story is set after the last flashback of season eight's 'Per Manum' where Scully found out that she wasn't pregnant. Since I don't really know exactly when that was supposed to have happened, I'm making this all up as I go along like I so often do. Also, I try to bring 'Trust No 1's' Shadowman's 'lonely night' comment into the story for good measure. Way Beyond Blue is a font by PizzaDude and can be found at fontfreak.com. It's also the name of many other things like a song, but I needed a font name and my friend MoJo picked this one. Any typos are all mine. Anyone still reading these notes? Didn't think so. ******************** He stood still, wrapping her in the security of his arms until her tears stopped falling. Once they stopped, he held her for a while longer. This was the one thing he had hoped he wouldn't fail her on. This was the one miracle he had hoped to give her. After everything else, she deserved this one simple thing. "There are other options. If you want to be a mother, there are other ways, Scully," he said softly and she pulled back to look up at him. Closing her eyes, she shook her head. "I've considered the other options but with the path my career has taken, I'm just not sure it would work. How would they ever let me adopt a baby? Any basic search into my background -- into this life I've been leading for nearly the past decade -- and it would be all over. And after this expense . . ." she said, her voice trailing off. He knew the procedure she had done cost quite a bit, especially considering she had nothing to show for it. Now she was going to have to pay emotionally as well. "If it's about the money, don't worry about it. We can deal with that part easily enough. We will get through this," he said. She now pulled free from his arms and turned from him. "You make it sound as if . . ." she started, finishing her sentence with a heavy sigh. "As if what?" he asked, wanting desperately to turn her around so he could see her face. He was certain she was crying again. "As if there's a 'we' involved in this situation. As if you and I have some sort of . . . of a shared interest in the resolution of this issue," she said and now he did turn her around. The tears might be absent at the moment but he could tell by the furrow in her brow that they were close to falling again. "My interest in this issue is sincere, Scully. I'm not doing this out of some sense of guilt over what has been taken from you but rather because this is something you have wanted for years. You need to be a mother and that's why I helped you in the first place. That's what made me say yes to your request. That's why I'd do anything to help you now," he said, reaching out to touch her face. Her bottom lip quivered slightly before the tears slipped down her cheeks again. "I wanted it to work, Mulder. The doctor's office was filled with pregnant women and I was so angry that I can't have something that comes so easily to so many people. I've given up so much already -- is it too much to ask that this one thing could have worked?" she said and he had no easy answer to that question. In the last few weeks, he had found himself praying to something he wasn't sure he ever believed in before to make this work. If it took him believing for this to happen for her, he would believe. Now it had been taken from her. From them, really, for he had now invested more than he ever imagined he would into this effort. It was no longer a matter of making a donation in the sterility of a doctor's office but in a period of a few days, it had become a matter of how much he cared for her and of how much he wanted this, too. That idea didn't surprise him as much as he thought it would. He *wanted* this to work and not necessarily just for her benefit. "I think that somehow, something will work out, Scully. I think we've come too far and have given up too much for it not to go our way at some point. Maybe from now on, only good things will happen to us," he said and that elicited a dry chuckle from her. "Or maybe it will get worse," she said and he wanted to ask how that was possible but knew better than to do that. "I'm, um, going to get something to drink. Would you like anything?" "No, I'm fine," he said, letting her go. He sat down on the couch and waited for her to return. When she did, she didn't bring back a glass of water or iced tea but a bottle of wine and two glasses. "I was hoping that I wouldn't be opening this bottle for a very long time but now, I might as well," she said. He took the bottle from her and finished with the cork before filling both glasses. She took off her shoes and curled up next to him on the couch, clinking her glass to his before taking slow, deliberate sips of the dark wine. He watched the liquid swirl around in his glass and only took one or two sips before setting it down. "Scully?" "Hmm?" she said, sounding as if she was lost in her own thoughts. "I really wish . . ." he started to say but she put her hand over one of his and he stopped. She gently patted his hand and pulled hers away. "I now feel more alone than ever," she said with a heavy sigh. He sat up straight and looked at her, but her eyes didn't meet his. "I never imagined I would feel this lonely if it didn't work. I knew I'd be upset . . . more than upset, really. I just didn't want to allow myself to imagine what else I'd feel. I wanted this so badly, Mulder. I wanted something in my life besides my damn job and -- and . . ." "And me?" he finished for her. She had hinted that she wanted a different life so many times recently; that she wanted to end the constant search they were on. Her comments didn't fall on deaf ears but until recently, he had no way to give her what she wanted. Now, the one thing he could have given her failed. "I didn't mean it that way," she said, her eyes coming up to meet his. "I just wanted something that was mine -- something of my very own. I wanted a reason to wake up tomorrow besides a career that's often tenuous at best. I need something more. I want to feel something else besides this constant despair. I just want to feel . . . something." "It's going to come between us anyway," he said softly and she shook her head, her brow furrowing again. "No, it's not. You gave me something that many people would have said no to. For a few days, you gave me a way to imagine the possibilities -- you gave me the gift of hope," she said and he looked away. "We had to try, Mulder. *I* had to try." She put her empty glass down and pushed it away. "You want more?" he asked, leaning to pour some into her glass but she stopped him. "No, it's not helping," she said and he put the bottle down, unsure of what she thought it would help with in the first place. "Is there anything that would make you feel less lonely right now?" he asked, waiting for her reply as she considered the question carefully. He didn't know what he expected for an answer since there was no easy fix for this. Actually, there was no fix for it at all, but when she finally did answer, it was something he didn't expect. "Stay with me," she said, her voice so soft it was barely audible. "Please? I don't want to be by myself right now." "I'll stay as long as you need me," he said, his voice catching in his throat. "I need someone," she said, moving closer to him. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her in tight. "I need you." *************** He wasn't sure what woke him up. Perhaps she had stirred slightly against him, but now he was awake and she wasn't. They'd been sleeping on the couch for a long while, her head resting against his shoulder, his fingers entwined with hers. The sun had gone down and her apartment was now filled with shadows. He didn't have the heart to wake her just yet. After the last few days, she needed the escape that only sleep could provide. Maybe she sensed he was awake because she sat up with a start, looking around, confused. "We fell asleep," he said and she took a deep breath, letting it out in a sad, heavy sigh. "Then it is true. I didn't dream it all," she said and even though it wasn't really he question, he shook his head in reply. "How are you feeling?" he asked, knowing what she was going to say next. "I'm fine." "You don't have to be. This time it would be okay to not be fine. You can be angry. You can be sad . . ." "I know and it will take time to get over this loss. I'm not even certain that I will ever recover fully from what has been taken from me," she said and he was tempted to say 'from us' but kept silent. So much had been taken from them besides this child she wanted so desperately to have. It was just the last on a long list of things. "I guess I should go home so you can get some rest," he said. "Please don't go. Not yet," she said, slumping back down against his shoulder. "You should at least go rest in your bed. I'll be here when you get up," he said, his voice barely rising above a whisper. She got up and began to walk towards her bedroom when she turned around, putting out a hand to him. "Come to bed with me," she said, her voice just as low as his had just been. A little confused by her request and more than a little aroused from the tone of her voice, he swallowed hard, his eyes shifting away from her. "What?" he asked as if he couldn't possibly have heard her clearly. He felt exactly like he did a few weeks ago when she had asked him if he would help her have a baby. The first question out of his mouth that time had been the same. "Don't ask any questions. Please? Just come with me," she said, taking a step towards him. She was still offering him her hand and he knew as soon as he took it in his, this was going to be something they'd probably regret later. He followed her, trying to come up with a rational explanation that she would appreciate as to why they shouldn't do this right now. They were both still upset over her bad news. She was feeling sad and lonely. He was feeling as if he had failed her once already today and didn't want to jeopardize their friendship even more. Those were all good things but he was also worried that this opportunity might not ever come again and what would it really hurt? He loved her enough to help her have a baby in the cold, clinical fashion she tried so he ought to love her enough to do what most people did to have babies. To do it the old-fashioned way, so to speak. And he did love her even if she didn't believe him. She closed her bedroom door behind them and turned to him, falling into his arms. They stood there for a long time while he gently rocked her and waited for her to say something or to change her mind or make some sort of move. Maybe he had read her all wrong and maybe she just wanted for him to stay with her and nothing else. Maybe? "This won't come between us, either. I won't let it," she said and now he had his answer. Still, he wasn't sure it was possible that it wouldn't come between them. He wasn't sure how that could work and if this was going to be a one time thing. He had to know. "Is this just for tonight?" he asked, his mind getting fuzzier by the second as she slid her hands down his back and then up under the layers of shirts he had on. "I don't want to be alone tonight," she said, not answering his question at all. "You won't be," he said before he leaned down for a kiss. It was tentative at first, her soft mouth unyielding to his. Soon, she gave in to his insistence and her lips parted, letting the kiss get deeper. She moved her hands to his face, holding him there. He certainly didn't mind and he felt the flames of arousal spread through him as her tongue explored his mouth. She pulled back a little, gently biting his lower lip before looking up at him, smiling. "The world didn't end, did it?" she asked, her face flushed now. "I don't know. It might have. I don't really care," he said. His fingers worked at all the fastenings on her suit, pulling off what he could. She finished the job for him and was soon standing before him in just her bra and panties. "Maybe it would be best if it didn't end for a few hours." "Hours?" she asked, her eyebrow moving upwards. "Hours," he replied, pulling her back into his embrace. It felt odd with her standing there nearly naked while he was still fully dressed but he liked the feel of her bare skin under his hands. She was impossibly soft and warm and he slid his hands around her back to unfasten her bra. It fell down her arms and she cast it aside to the floor with the rest of her clothes. He tugged at her panties, easing them over her hips and down far enough for her to step out of them. She shivered a little and cast her eyes downwards as he took in the sight of her body. This beautiful body that betrayed her today. This body that couldn't give her the one thing she wanted most. He reached out and touched her flat tummy and she sighed. All he had known was that she was several days late but she said that wasn't unusual. He could tell she was trying to not get her hopes up too much but yet, he could hear a faint optimism in her voice. It was almost better not knowing for at least then she still had a glimmer of hope to hold on to. Without saying a word, she put her hand over his, guiding it down her stomach. He brushed past her curls and she pulled her hand away as soon as he got to where she wanted him. Her eyes met his briefly and then fluttered shut as he began to gently circle his fingers against her clit. She sank down against his touch and he moved a little faster; pressed a little harder. Her mouth dropped open ever so slightly and she made a sound of surprise and then approval. That was enough to make him hard. He moved his hand further against her sex, slipping his fingers in to discover just how wet she was already. He wasn't so sure about that hours thing anymore. There was no way he was going to make it if she kept making noises like that while grinding against his hand. Pulling his hand away, she opened her eyes and looked at him once again. Their eyes remained locked and he sank down to his knees, looking away only when he had to focus on what he was doing. She stumbled just a little as he pulled one of her legs over his shoulder but caught herself quickly, her fingers sliding through his hair and pushing his mouth to where his hand had just been. He could feel her melting against him as his mouth made first contact. He drank in the taste and the scent of her, finding it hard to keep his head from spinning. His tongue darted out to tease her and she dragged her fingernails across his scalp until he stopped the tease and went to work --though this certainly wasn't work. She trembled, nearly losing her balance when he pulled her clit in between his lips, sucking and nibbling until she couldn't take it any longer. "Mulder, I'm going to fall if you don't stop," she said in a raspy voice, pushing his face away and unhooking her leg from over his shoulders before she really did fall over. "I don't want to stop," he groaned, trying to pull her back to him. "Trust me, I don't want you to stop but we have to move to the bed," she said, putting out her hand to help him up. He was barely on his feet before she pushed him onto the bed, straddling him and making him wish that he had taken his jeans off already. "Come here," he said, pulling at her hips. "What?" she asked, leaning forwards to kiss him. That wasn't what he wanted. He lifted her up and she gave him a puzzled look. "Come here so I can finish what I started," he said and she hesitated. "Scully, I'm going to make love to you with my mouth and then with my body so you might as well get up here already." Finally doing as he asked, she settled over his face, giving his mouth full access. With just one slight touch of his lips, she sank down a little. When he began to suck and lap at her, any hesitation was forgotten. She began to move, grinding against him, moaning above him. Moving her forwards, he delved into her sex with his tongue, wanting to devour her completely. He couldn't believe this was happening and that she was allowing him to do this to her. He also couldn't imagine it not happening again. It had to. One night wasn't going to be enough. Her moans turned into something more desperate; something almost frantic, as he moved from there back to her clit. Within a minute, she tensed above him but he didn't stop. He kept it up as she came, pulling her into his mouth enough to make her cry out. When it was over, she fell down limp beside him, trying hard to catch her breath. Not knowing if she really wanted more, he adjusted himself in his jeans. If she didn't want to go further, he was going to have to do something to relieve this incredible ache. "Mulder?" she said, sounding quite satisfied. "Yes?" "That was only half of what you said you were going to do to me," she said, turning on her side to face him. Her hand moved down to the fly of his jeans, stroking his erection through the denim. He bit his lip, trying not to come before he ever got his pants off. She popped open the button-fly and motioned for him to lift up his hips. He did and she carefully pulled down his jeans and his boxers, freeing him. He sat up long enough to tug off his shirts, throwing them to the floor in a wadded up ball of sweat soaked fabric. Now it was her turn to look at him, her eyes traveling over his body. She reached out and ran her hand down his abdomen, her fingers grazing the head of his cock before moving away. He grabbed her hand before she could do more and softly kissed all her fingers. "I don't want you to think you have to go further. I don't want you to do something you don't want to just because it's been a really crappy day," he said, releasing her hand. "Shut up, Mulder," she said, rolling over onto her back and pulling him until he was between her thighs, poised at her entrance. She wrapped her legs around his hips and the feel of her sex so close was all he could take. He edged into her body slowly, watching her closely while trying to read what she was feeling through her eyes. She didn't give him much of a chance before closing her eyes and turning her head to the side to hide something from him. She was so hot and tight around him and he wanted to do nothing more than thrust in to her as far as he could but instead, he stilled. "Is this okay?" he asked but she still wouldn't look at him. "Just . . . just give me a second," she said. "Take your time. I'm not going anywhere," he said as she adjusted her position underneath him. She moved her legs up higher and took her time getting accustomed to the feel of him inside her. Finally, her eyes met his again. "I need -- I want you to move. I want this. I want you," she said and he did as he was told, pulling back until he nearly slipped out and then thrusting all the way in. It was all he could do not to cry out or utter something nonsensical. This was amazing. She was amazing. He wanted to tell her so but was sure his brain couldn't make his mouth form such a coherent sentence. It had been so long. Too long. No one should have to go without this as long as they had. No one should give up sharing their bed with someone for any reason. Not him. Not her. They desperately needed this connection to the other if only to forget everything else for a while and now it was going by quickly. Too quickly. He pulled out of her and when she opened her mouth to ask why, he kissed her long and hard, wanting that connection nearly as much as he wanted the other one. He moved until they were on the bed in a more comfortable position and then guided her until she was now on top and in control. Sinking down upon him, she moaned as he filled her again. He wrapped his hands around her waist, slowing her down when she started to move too quickly. He didn't want this to end too soon. "That's perfect," he said and she nodded, leaning forwards to give him a quick kiss before sitting up again. He liked her like that. He liked it when he could see her face and her body and see where they were joined. He moved his hands from her waist to her breasts, caressing them. She moved just a little faster, making them jiggle against his hands and he smiled. He liked seeing that, too. She leaned back, putting her hands behind her on his thighs and he took the opportunity to move one hand down to her clit, working his thumb against that now tender spot. She gasped and that just made him do it harder and faster, wanting to feel her come with him inside of her this time. He brought her to a point where she could no longer keep bouncing up and down on his cock and could only stay still, waiting for what was coming. When it finally did, he pulled his hand away and watched the most incredible look of pleasure spread over her face. Her mouth opened as if she wanted to say something but couldn't find the words any better than he could. Her muscles contracted around him and he fought hard to not come himself right then and there. He didn't want to be distracted from watching her. When the tremors moving through her body subsided, she opened her eyes again and smiled down at him. "Twice in just a few minutes. God, what could you drive me to in hours?" she asked, leaning forwards now for another kiss. "Let's find out," he said, bucking his hips up under her. Keeping her face just above his their eyes locked, she started to move again. Slowly at first but at his gentle insistence, she went faster until he was right at the edge and nearly falling over it. Then she stopped. "You're killing me!" he cried out in protest, dying for her to move again. It wasn't going to take much more to bring him there and in one quick motion, he moved them so he was on top again and in control. "That was cheating," she said, her fingers clenching his arms so hard her nails were digging in. That pain from that was getting all mixed up in his brain with the pleasure his cock was registering and now the room was spinning too fast. "I know," he said, pounding into her as hard as he could, allowing himself to go finally topple over the edge and into total oblivion. The room stopped spinning and everything was so bright and clear that if he could just stay right here in this moment, he knew he'd find the answer to every question he ever had. When everything around him came back into focus, he found Scully smiling up at him, her hand on his cheek. "Hello, there," she said, running her fingers down his face and brushing them over his lips. "Hello, there," he said back. She relaxed her legs, unwrapping them from around his hips, but he didn't pull out. This was too nice to give up just yet. "I -- I don't really know what to say," she said and he quickly grew worried about what was coming next. He certainly didn't want her to begin regretting this now when they were still joined in her bed. He didn't want her to regret it ever but was certain that she eventually would. "You can say you need me again," he said softly. "After everything that already happened today, it's a lot to comprehend all at once. There's so much to take in and digest that I'm not fully certain that I even can," she said with a heavy sigh. "It will take some time and I don't expect that what we've just done will make up in any way for the disappointment you felt earlier -- that you're still feeling. I'm here for you, Scully, however you might need me and whenever you need me," he said, slipping out of her body. They moved just far enough to tug the comforter out of under their bodies so they could cover up. He wrapped her in his arms, spooning up behind her. "I think I need some sleep," she said with a yawn. "Do you want me to go?" he asked, afraid of her answer. "No, I don't. Right now, I need you right where you are," she said and he stayed, holding her as she slowly drifted off to sleep. ******************* He reached out his hand and felt only an empty bed where Scully should be. For a second, he panicked until he heard the toilet flush followed by water running in the sink. She came back to bed wearing the white T-shirt he had on earlier and nothing else. She settled in under the blankets and after waiting for her to fall asleep, he made a quick trip to the bathroom himself. Climbing back in bed, he gently put an arm around her, trying not to wake her. "Did you put the toilet seat down?" she asked, rolling over to face him. "Yes," he lied, pulling her close. He could feel the shirt she was wearing ride up as she wrapped her leg over him and it wasn't long until he was hard against her. Wordlessly, they shifted around each other until he could slip into her with ease. This was all too easy, he thought, and these things never come without a price. He was certain that tomorrow, he would be paying for everything that transpired between them tonight. It was different this time, not so frantic and far less desperate. This union of their bodies was quieter, as if some spell would be broken if either of them spoke. The heavy smell of sex and the late hour made him feel as if he were drunk and quickly losing control. A million thoughts flooded his mind but the one screaming the loudest told him he had to let her have her way with all of this. If she didn't want to talk about this ever again, he wouldn't bring it up. He waited so long for this to happen and if he had to, he could wait a long time for it to happen again, whatever her reasons. He just hoped he felt the same way in the morning. He reached out to her, sliding his fingers down to touch her. The only sound she made when he reached her clit was a soft exhalation of breath. She didn't make another sound until she was coming and then she muttered his name. It was hardly more than a breath and barely audible but he was glad she said it anyway. Thrusting into her, he let go of all the thoughts working overtime in his brain and let the lightheaded feeling take over. He wanted nothing more than to feel her wrapped around him, her walls clenching him tight. That space where they were joined was the only place on earth that mattered to him. Everything else just melted further away with each stroke he made into her body. He came, too exhausted to make this go on any longer. As they both tried hard to catch their breath, neither said a word. What was there to say? It wasn't long before they were fast asleep again, bodies entwined. *************** Sunlight. He was barely aware of it but it was there, warm and streaming through her windows, chasing away the night. He silently cursed the sun for coming up, sure that it would put an end to this thing that had transpired between them. Turning towards Scully, he found her watching him, the light framing her face. Her hair was messy but the light still danced over it, making it shine. She offered him a weak smile and he was sure he could feel his heart breaking over what was coming next. "What are you thinking?" he asked in a creaky morning voice. "I'm thinking it would be best if we slowed this down a little," she said, her brow furrowed with thought. "How much slower could it possibly go?" he asked. She sighed and rolled away from him, her eyes now focused on the ceiling. "I don't want you to feel that I used you in some way or that what happened last night was just a way for me to forget about everything for a while. You mean far more than that to me and I would never do anything to compromise our relationship," she said. "And just what exactly is the state of our relationship now?" he asked. "Partners? Lovers? Fuck buddies?" "Mulder, don't do this. There's no way to define our relationship fully and you know that. You can't apply some generic term to what we are and hope that it sticks. We've been through too much together to do that," she said, facing him once more. "So, what does that mean? We won't be sharing a hotel room?" he asked, sounding a bit more bitter than he meant to. It wasn't as if he didn't know this was coming. He knew it the second he took her hand and let her pull him off the couch. "Not yet. I need some time -- and before you say anything, it's not that I need time because of this and because of what we did together. I need time to adjust to the idea that something I've always wanted in my life is never going to happen. I need to accept the fact that nothing is ever going to replace what was taken from me. I need to get over this feeling of desperate loneliness before I draw you into it further," she said, reaching a hand out to touch his cheek. "And then what?" "Then we'll see where the road leads us. Who knows what path my life our yours might take -- it might just lead us right back here," she said, her eyes beginning to tear up. He didn't want her to cry again; not over him and what they did. He couldn't bear to see her crying again. Pulling her into his arms, he gently stroked her hair, soothing her the only way he knew how. "I hope it does, Scully. I hope it does." *********** The End More Notes: I'm sure this has all been done to death by now but I was trying to write a bigger story and thought it would be best if I tried my hand at something smaller first that didn't include a baby in any form. Since I haven't read any X-Files fiction in quite a long time, I'm not sure what people are doing these days. This is just what happens when I'm sick for a week and I spend that time watching six seasons of X-Files on DVD. This is for my good friend MoJo as a get well present because I know how much you just love this episode. I'll be down to the dungeon to visit you again soon.