Sex, Violence and Filling in the Gaps (1/1) by Beduini Rating: R for adult language and subject matter Category: MSR, M/S UST Spoilers/Timeline: Post episode for FPS. Brief Quagmire mention. Disclaimer: I am not making a cent off of this. I've made friends, though, and that's better than money, anyway. Archive: I like to know where it's going unless it's Clinique's, The Haven or Chronicle X. Summary: Hello! It's me! (dancing on pointe) Here to ply you with more shameless fantastical MSR! (demi-plie) In this episode, a conversation goes slightly off topic. (sissonne fermee) Enjoy! Sex, Violence and Filling in the Gaps By Beduini Darryl Mushashi's death is attributed to the loss of blood... ...attributed to blood loss due to the severing of the cartoid and banchial arteries from a blow to the neck and wrists by an unknown object... ...by an extremely sharp object, possibly a sword or... ...possibly a sword... She paused, rewinding the tape on her voice recorder. Her fingers poised just above the keyboard of her laptop, she punched the stop button on the recorder, pulled out her earpiece and tossed in onto the table in disgust. Leaning back into her chair she glared at the screen with contempt. "How the Hell am I supposed to explain this, Mulder?" Mulder looked up from the monitor of his desktop computer and blinked a few times, reading her frustration quickly. "Did you say something, Scully?" "My report, Mulder. Two people are dead and the only thing I can say with any certainty is that they are in fact no longer living." Mulder leaned back in his chair and turned to face her, his knees spread open in the way that only a man could get away with as he briefly contemplated his partner. "You know how they died, Scully." Scully let out a soft snort. "I have an entry wound on one victim and severed limbs on another, but no weapons. There's no trace evidence on either and I can't even begin to figure out how I'm going to explain that the probable killer is a digital creation that could only be stopped by overwriting her software." Mulder grinned and she raised her eyebrow at him in response. "What?" he said defensively, "I didn't say anything." "You didn't have to." She leaned forward and with a few keystrokes she put her laptop to sleep, standing, preparing to close up. Then she placed her hands flat on the table as if she were pondering something. "Explain it to me, Mulder. I was in there with you, armed to the teeth, firing the big gun at the intended target. I just don't see the attraction." Mulder let out a short laugh. "I hope not, Scully, unless there's something about your personal preferences that you've been neglecting to tell me these last seven years." "The violence, Mulder. I'm talking about blasting the crap out of that...that...woman. Maitreya." She turned to face him, leaning her rear-end against the table as she crossed her arms in front of her. "You point, you shoot, the target blows up. A few seconds later there's another one and you repeat the process all over again." He nodded. "Yeah." "So?" She held her hands out at her sides in expectation, wearing her familiar 'explain it all away so that I can refute it, finish my report and go home' expression. "So..." He stood, stepping around his desk and leaning against it to mirror her pose. "It's about tension and release, Scully. It's an outlet, a way to let off nervous energy or pent-up frustration or whatever else that ails you." "Releasing tension." She nodded at him, running her tongue over her molars. "I understand that much. So where does the euphoria come in?" "Excuse me?" "You know, the rush, the endorphins, the feeling of pleasure that comes with the release of the tension. I experienced no sense of euphoria." Mulder rested his chin on his hand, propping up his elbow with the other hand while he studied her. "There was no release?" he asked dubiously. She breathed deeply, her chest rising and falling as she looked across the room a moment in thought. "There was release. But it was more like the feeling I get when I finish a particularly unpleasant report. Relief. It wasn't pleasurable." "So for you release as a sensation that is accompanied by euphoria or some other feeling of pleasure, as opposed to the simple marked end of tension or a tense situation." "I suppose that's an accurate assessment, yes." Mulder nodded, his eyes still studying her. "Have you ever experienced a pleasurable release, Scully?" Her eyes grew wider as she looked at him and her body language screamed alert. "Don't tell me that you just asked me what I think you just asked me." There was an edge to her voice that wasn't there just moments before. He looked her over and shook his head slightly, finally letting his arms drop down to his sides, taking on the familiar tone of the lecturer. "I was merely trying to determine what you're basing your criteria on." "Oh is that it?" She turned, shutting the top of her laptop with a little more force than necessary. His eyes ran over her stiff posture, her well-toned back tight as she executed short, efficient movements. She was pissed. "Forget it." He moved back around the desk, offended. He'd always been respectful of her as a woman. Being misunderstood on a regular basis got very old, even if he did make an odd comment here and there simply because he found her attractive, often to the point of distraction. "Why are you down here, Scully? Don't you have some magical, factual place that you usually go to when you write up your reports?" He picked up a stack of papers and began shuffling them against the top of the desk, aligning the edges in a sudden compulsion to be neat. "If you're referring to my office, Mulder, they're loudly installing office matrix on the other side of the wall." She pulled the portable carrying case out from under the table, zipping it open and placing her laptop inside. "Nevermind. I'll finish at home." She should have known better than to bring the subject up in the first place, she admonished herself. Men will be men. Hunt it, kill it. Fuck it. "I didn't realize it was a sensitive subject for you." He replied. 'The fact that you've never spoken about it in the seven years you've worked together didn't clue you in, asshole?' he berated himself grudgingly. Mulder watched her zip the case closed, and with a sigh, moved back around his desk to lean against it once again, his tone conciliatory. "I'm sorry, Scully. I didn't intend for it to sound like I was asking...I shouldn't have brought it up." She turned back to face him, crossing her arms tighter against her body and looking at the floor. "To answer your question, Mulder, of course I have," she said quietly and somewhat petulantly. She didn't exactly consider herself sexually inexperienced, despite the long dry spell she was enduring. Looking up at him, she saw that he was still studying her. "What?!" "Nothing!" he replied, a bit apologetic. "I was just wondering why after all of these years we're just now getting around to having this conversation for the first time." "We've talked about sex before, Mulder." She couldn't cite and example, but she was sure they must have at some point. The subject had come up a few times, at any rate. "No...we haven't. Believe me, I'd remember it." There was a soft smile on his face and she looked at him, hesitating. Trying to decide whether or not she should continue with the conversation and the direction it was heading. He clearly wanted to talk about it. She'd consciously avoided such conversations with her partner in the past simply he was a man and she was a woman and because she'd always been attracted to him. It wasn't the same as discussing sex with a member of the same sex. And now? Well, things were different. They were...closer...than they'd ever been. And she didn't have anyone else to talk to about it. Who better to understand than Mulder? Not only was he a friend, but a friend in the exact same position as she. Granted, he was probably the reason why she was in this position to begin with, but they were both highly educated. There was no reason why they couldn't hold a mature conversation about sex. The decision made, she exhaled, her lips drawn tight as she stared down at the floor again. "It's not a sensitive subject, Mulder, it's just...well, maybe it is a sensitive subject." She let out a soft laugh and looked up at the ceiling, her mouth falling open as she did so. "I just...never thought I would go so long." The 'without it' part was left off but implied. She shook her head in disbelief that she would actually be making such a confession to Mulder. He scooted back so that he was sitting more comfortably on the desktop. "Tell me about it." He smiled in commiseration, silently hoping she would continue as he slid a sunflower seed between his teeth and cracked open the shell. She looked over at him, letting her eyes roam his face briefly. His eyes were dark but his expression was open and she tilted her head slightly to the side. "Blasting the crap out of something like in the First Person Shooter game...that really works for you?" The corner of his mouth turned up and he paused, removing the shell before answering. "Yeah, on a basic level it does. It's not meant to be anything more than the answer to a basic physiological need." He looked over at the filing cabinets and nodded his head in that general direction, alluding to the video tapes they both knew he kept in the bottom drawer. "Just like alternative forms of entertainment and print publications. They serve a specific purpose." "I suppose they do." She looked down at the floor again, her hair too short to cover the thoughtful, somewhat sad expression on her face the way it used to. Mulder leaned slightly forward, watching her. He wanted to ask her what she did to meet her own physiological needs but he stopped himself, knowing that it would be a very big mistake. His lack of a sex life had been out in the open for a long time so it wasn't really any big revelation for him to admit to it. Still, he couldn't help but wonder about hers. It was a subject that he had pondered pretty extensively, especially in the last few years. As a general rule, men and women were quite different when it came to their needs. He'd always treated his as an itch that needed scratching and scratched accordingly. But Scully had never come across as an overtly sexual person. It was there, but in her it was much more subtle. Maybe she didn't itch the way he did. If she did, maybe she just ignored it, like his innuendo, and moved her mind on to something else. He shrugged. "There are gaps, of course. It's not a perfect solution." Her expression remained the same as she continued to stare at the floor. "Gaps?" she asked absently. "You know, spaces between the larger issues that don't get filled." She nodded and there was a long silence between them as he cracked another shell between his teeth. "You know what I miss?" She said without looking up. Again, he removed the spent shell. "Other than the obvious?" She looked up at him and smiled. "What?" "All of the annoying things that I used to complain about. Dirty socks on the floor, the toilet seat left up, little hairs in the bathroom sink." He looked surprised, his mouth slightly open. "I didn't know you used to live with someone, Scully." "I didn't. Not officially, anyway. I never would have been able to explain it to my parents." She settled in more comfortably against the table, a slight smile of fondness on her lips. "We maintained separate residences but inevitably we'd both end up at one or the other." He slid another seed into his mouth. "When was that?" "College. Uh, undergrad." He noticed that her eyes held a warm glow from an obviously happy memory. "What about you?" "Officially..." She drew in a breath while he removed the shell. "It was right after I got out of the Academy." He didn't want to divulge too much more and have the conversation turn into something else entirely. Scully had found the perfect phrase years ago on Heuvelmans Lake. 'Here be monsters.' She nodded slightly, already knowing more about it than he was aware of and allowing it to slide by. This conversation wasn't about the who - even though she knew who the who was - but the what. "I used to hate it when I'd find the milk carton empty in the refrigerator." "Feminine products mingling in the medicine cabinet with my shaving kit." She looked up with a slight smile. "All of the cushions on the sofa smushed in." "Pantyhose drying on the shower rod." "Cracker crumbs in the bed." "Making love in the early morning before you're fully awake." His voice was distant, almost longing and she stared at him, breaking the established rhythm. "What?" he said defensively, snapping back to the present. "That's something you DON'T like...?" His mouth fell open as he stared back at her. "I thought we were talking about the things that we miss. I love that." There was a small pang of jealousy accompanying that admission, but she forced it away. 'You're just talking about sex, not his feelings from a previous relationship,' she reminded herself. A strange look passed over her face and he titled his head to look into her eyes. "Does that surprise you?" She shook her head slightly and smiled. "No Mulder, I it doesn't surprise me." He watched her, emboldened as she allowed the conversation to continue. "Of course, there's not much that I don't love about sex." A slight, playful smile played on her lips. "Or maybe it's just been a while, Mulder." That was his Scully, questioning everything, he thought. Especially when it came out of his mouth. "No, Scully, it may have been a while but some things I remember with perfect clarity. And I enjoyed all of it." Scully remained quiet but it was more of a sad kind of quiet than a choosing not to respond to his last admission kind of quiet. He was treading very carefully because he seriously wanted to continue with the conversation and he was afraid that she would pull away at any moment. Not only were they talking about sex, they were talking about their sexual preferences and he would have to be dreaming to have a better opportunity to get to know the private side of his partner after waiting the better part of seven years to get to this point. It was a very thin line they had to straddle in order to have this conversation at all and he didn't want to force the issue before they were ready for it, seven years together not withstanding. "Scully?" he coaxed her gently. She looked up and gave him an embarrassed smile. "I'm alright, Mulder. I was just remembering something that happened just before I was assigned to the X Files. It was an experience that I let define the way I looked at things, both in terms of myself and what I wanted from a sexual relationship, but also in what I perceived as what others would want from me. Things that I realize weren't necessarily true, then or now." She looked at him and his eyes were troubled. "Did someone do something to you against your will?" She could feel his protectiveness wash over her in waves and she smiled slightly in reassurance. "No. Nothing as drastic as that." He thought a moment, and from her cryptic explanation determined that perhaps she may have been talking about oral gratification. He didn't think of Scully as inhibited, nor did he think that she was one to indiscriminately experience anything and everything. She was most likely the kind of woman who found out what worked for her and then stuck with it. "Then I'd say either he wasn't doing it right or he had his head too far up his ass to know what he was missing," was his firm reply, spoken with a raised brow that he'd mastered from watching her. He stuck another seed into his mouth and cracked it open. The stupid son of a bitch, he thought, removing the shell as she smiled the embarrassed smile once again, knowing he'd figured it out. Stupid, lucky son of a bitch. What an opportunity to be wasted on the undeserving. Now if he were to be so fortunate... "Yeah, you're right." She sighed. She'd been carrying the tiny, niggling feeling of failure around over that one around for a long time. Of course Mulder would be the one to remind her of it and break the negative association. Maybe someday he'd actually prove it false. He smiled, unknowingly sharing her thought as he dusted the sunflower seed salt off of his hands. "Now on the other hand, where women and the male equivalent are concerned...." He was hesitant to elaborate, wanting to hear her opinion but afraid she'd find it too personal and clam up for good. Of course at this point his reasons were purely personal, even if they were only talking. "What?" she asked, then realization passed through her eyes as she understood. She stood straighter, drawing herself up to full height as she went into Dr. Scully mode. "If you're referring to what I think you're referring to, I'm sure you know the clinical term is fellatio, Mulder." She smiled, slightly superior, slightly flirty, causing his heart rate to speed up. "Not all women find it distasteful. In fact, many women may actually find the act somewhat pleasurable." Watching her carefully, he nodded. He'd known a few, but he was curious as to what she meant when she said many. "Many women," he repeated. "Many women, Mulder." "And if I were to take a survey of, say, all of the women in this room, the percentile would be...?" he asked, his face deceivingly passive. "One hundred percent." She replied stoically, trying not to smile. Let him chew on that for a while, she thought...she'd been processing his occasional innuendo for years. She said many, but it always came down to just one - the only one that mattered. Mulder drew in a slow breath, willing himself not to pass out from the sudden lack of oxygen to his brain. How quickly he could feel like a fifteen-year-old again. It would take him days - months - to master his control over the unbidden mental image his partner had just handed him while her clinical incantation of the word 'fellatio' rattled around over and over in his mind. Which, by the way, she had effectively blown. If he were a different person he might forego the rest of the conversation and jump her on the spot. If he were a different person. She was smiling softly as she slid the squared toe of her shoe over a spot on the floor. "You know what I miss the most, though?" She looked up and he shook his head, still feeling a bit speechless and lightheaded. "What's that?" he said at last. "Taking it all for granted. Knowing without question that it's there, that it will be there." She spoke wistfully, as if it were a thing she could never have. "I know it's been a while, Scully, but I don't remember ever taking sex for granted, even while I was sleeping next to a woman every night. Both parties agreeing at the same time to engage in the activity is as infrequent as it is necessary." She looked at him, then past him, her eyes focused miles away as she let out a slight sigh. "Well..." the word hung in the air between them, neither finished nor forgotten as she closed her eyes and turned away. He stared at her. The gaps. She was talking about companionship then, not sex. Of course, everyone gets lonely. He'd always thought she preferred her solitude, though. But maybe it was because that was what he wanted to think. As well as he knew her as an investigator and a partner, as well as he trusted her, she'd always been an enigma to him, unreadable in her personal wants and desires. It was so much easier to think of her as strong and aloof. To long for her in a more intimate way while he sat alone at home or in the office, shrouded in darkness, wanting to physically lodge himself in her and her private life. Somehow, he'd achieved the latter. He had no doubt that she knew how he felt about the two of them and their relationship. Just as he was pretty certain about her feelings on the subject. They didn't talk about it except around the edges, so to hear her voice a desire for more than their current situation entailed wasn't so much surprising as it was unexpected. He hadn't known what it would take for them to reach that point in their relationship, but evidently they were there. Now what? Scully had turned back to toward the table, gathering up her cel phone, voice recorder and headphones and sliding them into her case. She had reached her limit and was retreating mentally as well as physically, closing off the conversation and preparing to flee for the safety of her home and her self-imposed solitude, leaving him to his. He didn't want it. He slid off of the desk and took a step toward her. "You already have that now." He said gently, his voice soft but rough. She didn't respond right away, glancing over her shoulder at him before giving him a raised eyebrow. "Which are you referring to, Mulder? Infrequent sexual activity or another party who doesn't agree with me about the appropriate time to engage in said activity?" His mouth curved in a smile. Lately she rarely passed on the opportunity to be a smartass - no doubt he'd rubbed off on her. "And when is the appropriate time to engage in said activity, Miss Scully?" She crossed her arms and turned back to face him once again. "Last night would have been a winner," she replied dryly, remembering how she'd paced between the living room and dining room of her apartment for nearly an hour after they'd given statements to the local authorities regarding the First Person Shooter game and returned home. He took another step toward her with a possessive look in his eyes. "All joking aside, what I meant when I said that you already have what you long for is that you have unconditional acceptance by someone who cares about you more than anyone else in the world. Someone who will always care about you, follow you, be there for you when you need comfort or companionship. Someone you can take for granted because that isn't going to change now or anytime in the future." She looked into his eyes, her eyes wide but the emotion in check. "And where can I find this person?" she asked softly. He closed the space between them and stood before her, close enough that she could feel his warm breath down her collar as he reached around to the case and pulled her cel phone out of the side pocket. The little hairs on the back of her neck were still standing on end as he leaned into her personal space, his voice a mere whisper. "There." He pointed to the number one on the phone's keypad. "All you've ever had to do is ask." She looked up into his eyes, his face just inches from hers. "I can't do that," she said softly. His eyes darkened as he looked into hers and he straightened, putting more space between them. "Why not?" "Because that's the forensics lab." He looked at her with a furrowed brow. "I'm not number one on your speed dial?" She shook her head slowly. "Nope." "Why the Hell not? You're number one on mine." She just looked at him and he paused. "Number two?" She shook her head again. His irritation started seeping out. "Am I even programmed in your damn cel phone?" "You are. You're number five." "FIVE! Tell me how you REALLY feel about me, Scully." She chuckled, grabbing his hand and turning it toward him so that he could look at the number pad. "See where the power button is? You used to be number one, Mulder, but I kept turning off the phone when I was in a hurry and didn't look when I dialed. I made you number five so that I would look before I hit the wrong button. But I'll let you in on a little secret." He looked into her face, his eyes showing his desire to be validated. "What?" She leaned in, her lips nearly brushing against his ear as she whispered. "Most of the time I just hit redial." He pulled back and looked at her, a smile growing on his face as she grabbed her case, took her phone from his hand and slid it back into the side pocket. He watched her walk over to the coat tree, thinking he just might have to jump her one of these days. "I'll call you when I've finished my report." She said, not quite concealing a smile as she pulled on her overcoat. He was standing by the table, biting his lower lip while deep in thought, his hands on his hips. "Mulder," she called to him and he looked up. "The telephone works both ways, you know." He grinned, nodding in understanding. "Goodnight, Scully." "Goodnight Mulder." He watched the door shut behind her, closing his eyes briefly before he went back over to his desk and sat down in the chair, grabbing his cel phone off of the desk. It was all too familiar - alone in his office, just his solitude fffor company. He stretched his arms over his head, and leaning way back in his chair, propped his feet up. Then with a grin he raised his cel phone to his ear and with his thumb pressed the number one. fin beduini@geocities.com http://www.geocities.com/Beduini2/ Summary dance courtesy of the Red Man from Cow and Chicken. Thanks, Marty, for your comments.