TITLE: Choices AUTHOR: Samiam (Sampiper@aol.com) RATING: um ... soft R maybe ARCHIVE: Just tell me where to send the child support payments. FEEDBACK: be brutal, this is what my insomnia lives for. REFERENCES: Almost 4 years post series, I REFUSE to use the term "Spoilers" any longer. Therefore ... References: all things CATAGORY: MSR vignette with a little MA (very mild, I just like screwing with the guy's head) Scully POV. DISCLAIMERS: I make no claims to the characters herein, I'm just abusing them to whittle away at the near catatonic lethargy brought about by the unrelenting desert induced boredom and too little sleep. AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oooooo ... two from me in less than 6 months ... I could be setting a dangerous precedent here. I just wanted to thank everyone for all the kind feedback to the last one I sent. It meant a lot, especially after having not sent a thing in over a year. Don't think I will ever be able to top it, but it's a nice goal to aim for. As far as this one goes ... I'm probably one of the few who REALLY likes this ep, yet there has always been something about it that bugged me. I just couldn't get this to go where I wanted it to so I hope it makes sense. I realize it's probably a strange thing to talk about post-coitus, but then these two never did anything normal, did they? ****************************************************** "Speak to me, Scully." Hmm? No. Talking, bad. Basking, good. Shut up and bask with me, Mulder. After 7 years, we've earned it. "Scully?" Oh God. Aren't men supposed to fall asleep after sex? I've got my head resting on his shoulder, left hand pressed to his chest. Maybe if I snuggle in a little closer, he'll think I'm asleep and follow suit. "Come on. I know you're still awake. Talk to me." This isn't fair. He's off tomorrow, I'm the one who's got to be up in five hours so I can go home and get ready for work. "About what?" I slide my hand down his chest and around to his waist, enjoying the lassitude that comes from great sex and the after-cuddle with a warm body. I'd forgotten what this was like. "I'm all talked out, Mulder. What do you want to hear?" comes out a barely audible mumble. If he wants to talk, he's going to have to carry the conversation. He tightens his arms around my shoulders and kisses my forehead, then lays his cheek on the top of my head. That sigh sounded content. So what does he want? "Isn't this where we're suppose to have that long, heartfelt talk about how this is going to change our lives?" "Remind me to V-Chip your Lifetime Network," I groan. He can be such a girl sometimes. "No second thoughts? No regrets?" Oh, he's going to get hurt going that route. It's time for drastic measures. I really need to get some sleep. I lightly trail my fingers back to the center of his stomach and follow the soft patch of hair down to his groin, scratching lightly until I hear him moan ... right before I take him in hand and squeeze. "Scully!" Okay, that squeak was cute. I'm going to have to remember that for later exploration. I try to smother a smirk by kissing his chest before I prop myself on my right hand, still firmly holding him in my left. "I just wanted to make sure I have your undivided attention, Mulder," I tell him with as stern a look as I can muster, which is completely undermined by the smirk I can't quiet kill. "Then you should probably let go of me." I do, but not before giving him another squeeze. I move to straddle him, placing my hands on his shoulders. "That's not going to help, partner." "Shut up, Mulder, and pay attention," I tell him, then lean down for a quick kiss. Sitting back up before he can wrap his arms around me, I grab his hands and place them next to his head. "Are you having second thoughts or regrets?" "No! God, no." That came out too fast to be a lie. Good boy. "I just want to make sure we're okay ... that we're going to be okay with this." "I'm about to break proper etiquette here by talking about an ex when we're in bed together, but maybe this will get through to you." I let go of his hands and sit back on my heels. Mulder follows me up as far as he can and balances on his hands. "The first time I slept with Daniel, not five minutes after he fell asleep, I was in the bathroom throwing up. Call it nerves, call it fear, whatever. Just know that even then I knew, at least on a subconscious level, that it was a mistake." I lean forward and kiss him then close my eyes and press my forehead to his. "Does it even look like I want to get out of this bed, Mulder?" I whisper. He lies back, pulling me down on top of him. "No," he says. "No." I kiss him again before sliding of him and laying my head back on his shoulder. Maybe now I can get to sleep. Problem is, now I *am* thinking. Damn him. "I can hear the gears turning, Scully." He pulls me tighter against him and nuzzles the top of my head. "What are you thinking about?" "Maggie," I tell him. "Waterston's daughter?" he asks and I nod in answer. "Yeah, I wondered about that". "What?" "You call her Maggie, not Margaret. It also sounded like she was more hostile towards you than you would normally expect if you had just been the woman who slept with her father, especially her comment about living with the consequences of you leaving ... as if she knew you before she found out?" He really picks the weirdest times to be inquisitive. "Sometimes you are just a little too perceptive," I say, rubbing my cheek against his chest. "We went to med school together." "Friends?" "Friendly. At least in the beginning. He was so much tougher on her, especially when her grades started to slide. I thought he was going to disown her when she dropped out." "Ah, zhat explains it," he says, sounding a little too much like those old cartoon characterizations of Freud. "Dutiful daughter not able to live up to daddy's lofty expectations. Then you come along currying favor that she probably felt should have been hers by right. Getting involved with her father was just the final insult." "Something like that," I say, rolling onto my back and staring at the ceiling. "Medical school probably wasn't even her idea, was it?" "No, I don't think it was. All she wanted to do was please Daniel and it made her miserable." Mulder rolls to his side and runs his finger down my nose to my mouth before leaning over to kiss me. "Did you realize then how much you two were alike?" "It was part of the reason I left." I lay the back of my fingers across his cheek. "It dawned on me that I was twenty-five years old and already killing myself trying to please one father. I didn't want or need a second. I needed to start living for myself." "So you chose the Bureau?" "Yeah, I chose the Bureau." I say, a little to thoughtfully. "What is it?" "Daniel asked me what I wanted Saturday." "What did you tell him?" he asks, tracing his fingers down my throat, along my collarbone and back again. "That maybe I wanted the life I didn't choose," I sigh. "I didn't realize how right I was." His hand stops and he starts to pulls away like he's been burned. Sitting up, I grab his hand to stop him and press it to my heart. Trust me, partner, this is a good thing. "Mulder, I chose the Bureau, but I didn't choose the X-Files ... or you." He's starting to look frightened so I place one hand behind his neck and pull him back to me, kissing the worry lines on his forehead. "Don't you see," I whisper. "It wasn't my choice to make, it never was. I didn't choose this life with you, it was given to me, and I've never wanted it more than I do right now." He relaxes and pulls me to him as tightly as he can. "So do I, Scully. So do I."